Locke: The Terrified Light
by Narratorway
Summary: Locke lives with Celes and enjoys a happy and erotic personal life...until he begins to suffer from strange seizures. Now he must try to understand the origin of these attacks before they tear him and Celes apart.
1. The Guest

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Locke

The Terrified Light

I'm going to tell you a story. I've told it to countless people so far, probably to the same person more than once without knowing it. That's forgivable, I'm old. I doubt your gonna get anything out of this story other than a hard-on, but that's okay. I'm not telling it for you.

I woke up alone in my room. The windows were open and there was a soft breeze dancing with the curtains. I felt good cause I'd slept in. If I'd slept in, it meant I'd gone to sleep late and if I'd gone to sleep late, it could only mean one thing.

I sat up and took in a deep breath and yanked the sheets off of me. I was as naked as I was giddy over the thought of a new day. I stuck my legs over the side of the bed, then let myself fall back down on the bedsprings. I sank back into the bed for but a moment and before it's soft embrace could lull me back to sleeping in and wasting the morning away, it threw me out like a angry husband who'd caught me with his wife. I took in another large whiff of the morning air and stretched. Oh yeah, I felt good. I looked down at the bed and found it empty.

Celes had already left on her errands. I was alone in the house, hungry and naked. I only needed to solve one of those problems.

With a rush of new day vigor I was out into the hallway and gliding down the railing of the stairs towards the kitchen, being none the worse for the trip, but I'd hafta remember to wipe it down now before going back up. Naked as I was, it probably would've been even more important to go down the stairs with more care, but then again if I'd been in a state of mind to realize that, I probably would have gone back into my room and put on a robe like a sensible fellow. I was happy and if you don't know why by now then you need to hear this story more than anyone else.

As I danced about the dining room a fragrance flowed across my nostrils and I fell still and silent. It was an intoxicating aroma that made me lightheaded, but it was not the smell of my beloved Celes.

She was out doing errands.

It was quickly apparent to me that the smell was originating from the kitchen and as quietly as possible, I crept up to the doorway. I was filled with an intense feeling of anxiousness that made my spine practically shiver, but I couldn't tell you why. The moment just seemed so damn tense. I couldn't hear anything: no movement, no birds chirping, not even the wind that had woken me up but a few minutes before. Slowly and ever so cautiously, I entered the kitchen. I was still naked by the way.

I stopped stunned as my eyes fell across the prettiest vision I'd seen all morning. She looked absolutely beautiful, though I'd never seen her before. She looked familiar enough, they all tend to look the same really. She wore a neat little waxy get up, that was see-thru but made everything underneath hazy and difficult to make out. Not all of her was covered though, a tiny little corner sneaked through and exposed everything I liked about her. I don't know where she came from, but I could guess easy enough. Her fragrance hit me full force then and it almost knocked me backwards. It was that more than anything else that did a number on me.

A rush of feelings overcame me all at once and I felt rather dizzy. There was a deep lust like I didn't think I could feel and a giddiness, like a lil kid discovering a brand new toy, and all while these emotions whirled around in me one thought kept on repeating in my head in a dazed and monotone voice that my mind used when struck with an impulse to big for it to take in one bite.

Celes is out doing errands.

The danger was more enticing than the desire itself. The possibility of getting caught was so…so…oh I don't know, words can never describe it can they? But there was also that other feeling that's as old as man…as old as animal. That feeling of a wall stopping you from doing what you want, telling you _don't do this_ and then being able to just knock it down. To take a barrier and destroy it and you become just a little bit closer to freedom. Now I tell you, how can you resist that?

I smiled a mischievous little smile. I was hungry.

She didn't move and ignored me. Teased me. I slowly walked into the kitchen right up next to her so that it's be impossible to deny my presence. Slowly my hand reached down onto the counter and slid over the side and down over the top drawer handle. Slowly I opened up the drawer and took out the spatula (I don't use my hands if I can help it, I find it messy and uncivilized). I kept my eye on her the whole time still with that smile on my face as if I knew one of her deep, dark secrets.

I rotated the spatula between my fingers staring at her with eyes that were desperate with want. But I hesitated and was in doubt. I knew what was going to happen if I went any further, crossed that invisible (but very real) threshold. It's like a portal, you take that one step that doesn't take you in, but once you take it, the pull of it alone will be enough and there'll be nothing you can do but shrug your shoulders and enjoy the ride. You don't go back after that. At that moment, it was almost painfully real to me. I knew what was going to happen. I knew what Celes would do if she found out, if she caught me. But even more real than that was another simple fact repeating in my brains whose meaning was growing more and more powerful.

Celes is out doing errands.

I didn't step over the line, I took a running leap over it. I never go half-assed on anything. With almost animal like violence, I gripper her dress and ripped it off her, tossing it aside as if it were annoying spider webbing. Then I brought the spatula upon her to be used it as it was meant to be used. As I did my work, I flew open a cupboard and grabbed a plate. It was over practically before it began and with a quick jerk of the arm, my work was done and a nice two inch square section of the brownie Celes had baked that morning was sittin on my small plate. Man oh man, she was gonna kill me when she found out. It was for tonight after dinner _only_.

Oh but it tasted good! All breakfasts should be like this.

I finished it up with nary a speck of cake on my lips or around my mouth. The plate and fork were washed clean of any incriminating evidence and set in the exact spots from whence I'd taken them. I picked up the wax covering placing it back _exactly_ the way it was before (including the part that exposed the lil bit o brownie in the first place). All was as it was before, except of course the two inch square hole that stood out like a sore thumb in the tray.

I probably should have turned a paler shade of white right then, but I didn't. It was a nice day, and I didn't want to ruin it so early in the morning. Celes was outside doing errands, so she was being bombarded with it's loveliness to a far larger extent than I had, and for much longer too. I was sure that would work in my favor when she got home.

Was she gonna hurt me? Yes. Tan my hide six shades of red? Absolutely. Tie me down and show me who was in charge? You bet your ass. Was there anyway I was gonna get by this evening without her doing everything she was capable of just to make me sorry? Not so far as I knew. There was no question that woman was gonna be brutal with me, absolutely merciless when she found out and as I leaned against the kitchen wall still dizzy with after-brownie bliss, I suddenly felt an intense need to take a very cold shower. So I ran back up the stairs and did just that.


	2. Caught!

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Yeah, we were like that. Regular fuck-bunnies us two. Anytime we wanted, however we wanted. Hah! Lookit you! You got this look on you like you just swallowed your own tongue, so you can just imagine how people were like back then. Sex was _the dirty word, nobody had yet even found the gall to make bad words that were worse than that. But we found out the secret. We broke the mirror, walked under the ladder, and let a whole litter or coal black kats cross our path and were none the worse for the trip. The bad luck was all in their heads. I'm a romantic so I still don't really want to accept that sex is just something someone needs to "get over". When we broke all those taboos, we did it holding hands. We loved each other. I have to believe that part really mattered._

I spent the rest of the day in complete turmoil. I couldn't make one straight decision, including getting dressed so I went buck for the rest of the day. I wandered the house trying not to think of things to do, but trying to figure out what to do first. My head could not keep to one train of thought without derailing and I before I could make a decision about whether to work on the deck or do the dishes, I'd forget what I was worrying over. As my stomach was twisted in all sorts of contortionist ballets, I spent the rest of the day pacing about the house getting very little done. Celes wouldn't be happy about that. With that thought looming over my head, it simply became a downward spiral.

I knew Celes was gonna be home late. We lived out in the country without any chocobos, so a trip to the town was a whole day affair. But time seemed to be slipping through my fingers with almost unnatural speed and my head wasn't getting any clearer. I don't know what it was that was making me so jumpy. I couldn't believe it was simply eating that stupid brownie. Sure Celes would be mad, but it was just a small lil slice after all. How much of a fuss can someone make over that?

Another problem I had to deal with was the hard on I couldn't seem to get rid of.

That particular mystery was actually something I was very grateful for. It allowed my to ignore temporarily my other more mundane (yet somehow overwhelming) responsibilities. I stared down at it in the middle of the living room as if I'd never seen one before, wondering what the hell could have possibly gotten its attention. I'm not one of those impulsive quicker-picker-uppers people, so this was a rare occasion. Now I've not been one to compare (nor have I ever had the opportunity), but I'd like to think that I'm a fairly 'impressive' young man, but that didn't matter worth dick (if you'll excuse the pun) because fact was plucky Chucky was about as attentive as one of those old hounds you always saw sitting next to their hill-folk master out on the porch of some dilapidated house. He didn't raise his head for nothing unless there was a damn good reason, and sometimes not even then. I even questioned his loyalty to my beloved, but I wasn't too worried. I swear that woman could get a pine tree to bear fruit just by telling it to, if she wanted. Still, something had plucked his interest that I wasn't aware of, and that almost never happened.

So there I stood, pondering the possibilities of what could have possibly woken up lil buddy, when from across the hall, I heard the sound of the front door open and close shut. My head jerked up towards the sound instantly (the real one folks, let's keep the jokes a lil more sophisticated…and stop snickering dammit!).

Celes was home early!

I stood there frozen for a moment, not sure what to do and looked back down at myself. Charlie was still wide awake, pointing at me with his accusing finger as if all this was _my_ fault. I swerved my head towards the clock and was stunned to see the time. Celes wasn't home early after all. I was about to try and make a dash for the bedroom in an attempt to get at least the minimal amount of clothing on or around me before explaining why I hadn't gotten any of my chores done, when a sudden thought pierced through my head like a lightning strike.

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The brownie!

But as quick as that thought came was the response. There was nothing I could do about that now, so I'd better get dressed and make the best of the situation. I made the dash and as Celes called out my name and announced her arrival to the house in general, I sneaked my way past her and ran up the stairs. Master Warrior though she was, I was a Master Treasure Hunter and I don't think even she could have heard me, no matter how fast I sped up the steps. With a rush I was in my room and in front of the closet, grabbing anything I could recognize as part of my wardrobe. With incredible speed I dressed with whatever I had snatched from the drawers and slowly closed the closet door. As I adjusted my bandana, I walked to the door and looked up.

Celes was leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed. There was a moment of silence that passed for who knows how long.

"Honey I can explain…"

"You stay in this room while I decide how you will be punished."

I swallowed and just continued to stare at her, dazed. She pushed herself away door frame and just before turning around looked up and down and then raised an eyebrow and smirked a bit. Then she left as I wondered what she thought was so interesting. I widened my eyes and looked down, then promptly zipped up my pants. Charlie had yet to go back to sleep.

"Down boy." I said with dry sarcasm.

I walked over to the bed and fell down into it, staring at the ceiling and pondering Celes' words.

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"You stay in this room while I decide how you will be punished."

She said it with such calmness, almost indifference. It was actually kind of scar—

A bright light flashed in front of my eyes and I heard a sound that came and went too fast for me to know what it was. For an instant of a moment, my whole body felt…well I'm not sure, not even now. It happened too fast for me to know what it was. I only knew what I knew then, that it forced me to sit up and cry out. But by then it was gone. It was so quick I couldn't tell right then if it had even happened. I looked down at myself. Charlie was asleep.

I heard the door open and looked up. Celes stood there wearing a pair of tight black leather boots that came up to her thighs, a pair of equally black gloves that almost reached her shoulder, and a wicked looking grin. She wasn't wearing anything else, although she did have a Cat o Nine held taught between her palms.

"You've been naughty little boy." She said and walked up to the bed.


	3. The Punishment

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To this day, I haven't been able to come up with a satisfactory way of explaining the relationship we had without it feeling like an excuse. We had lots of sex, did some rather outrageous things with it, and when I think about it, it was a very large part of our relationship. All the same, I can't say that it held any particular importance to us. At least not to the level that everyone around us seemed to put it on. That's probably why we were so horny all that time. We didn't care. You see, sex is just another way of expressing one's love, just like a hug. But since it felt a shit-load better, we typically preferred sex.

Celes and I have three dresser drawers in our room.

The first two are naturally our clothes. Mine on the left and hers on the right. In between them was the third, slightly smaller set of drawers. Celes was bending over rummaging through one of them with her back to me. She was quite a site from my vantage point across the room on the bed. I would've whistled at her, but at that moment, my mouth was gagged. I also had my hands and feet all tied together behind me, so I probably would've lost my precarious balance anyway. Celes wouldn't like that.

Quickly she stood up and I knew she'd found what she was looking for. Whatever it was, she held it close to her as she turned her head back at me and emitted a most wicked chuckle. I strained (but not too much, given my poor balance) to see what the hell she had in her hands, but it was no use. She placed whatever it was in front of her on top of the dresser and turned around still hiding her little treasure. She leaned back a little and put her hands down on top of the dresser behind her, then arched her back as she stretched her body, pushing out her chest and stomach. Her muscles bulged, exposing how well toned and defined she really was. All the while she stared at me with a feral look in her eyes. My head suddenly felt very light and all sense of balance left me, but I didn't fall over. As far as I'm concerned, it was her will alone that made that possible.

As she finished her stretch, her hands moved behind her back and she walked towards the bed. Still I had yet to see what she'd taken out of the drawer and now carried behind her and it was that unknown that increased my anxiety and even anticipation more than anything else. So far, it all seemed really nice and sexy, but I knew better. I was being punished, I just didn't know how.

Celes was now at the foot of the bed and directly in front of me. She brought one hand from out behind her and gripped my chin, moving my head back and forth as if inspecting me for quality before shipping me out. Suddenly she let go, and I almost fell forward. She smiled and I could her eyes suddenly light up. She brought her other arm out from behind her so I could finally see what torture device she was going to use on me.

In her hands was a fairly small ceramic bowl.

I didn't understand and gave her the look to prove it. That seemed to please her immensely and in my head I was congratulating myself. This was no time to act macho and give her a look that said 'Do your worst!' Any chance to look like an ignorant weakling possibly meant getting out of that situation sooner. It was all about getting her satisfied, and if I took a mild beating in the pride department, so be it.

Still, it wasn't going to be that easy and I knew it. With a playful skip she walked over to the side of the bed and next to an odd looking crankshaft. As she began to turn it, I felt a sudden jolt as my tied up arms and legs were lifted up into the air and the rest of me followed shortly thereafter. She locked the crankshaft down and climbed up onto the bed which I was now levitating about a foot over. She'd set the hook on the ropes that had my feet and hands all bunched together a few minutes ago, and up until then, I was curious as to why. The whole device had been set up a good time ago, perhaps last year, by yours truly. It was a whole pulley system that allowed for anything of any weight below about eight hundred pounds to be lifted by anyone who weighed approximately over one hundred with little to no effort. Not that I was planning on ever letting myself get that fat, mind you.

Celes was now sitting beside me on her knees, with one hand holding the bowl and the other toying with my hair. I was just beginning to get a vague idea of what her plan was, but I was still summarily stumped, so I decided to simply give up and ride the wave. My ignorance was not going to make any difference to my fate anyway.

"Locke, am I a particularly demanding wife?"

Uh oh. It was never good when she made small talk. I shook my head obediently.

"I don't ask for much, and when I do, is it truly that hard to respect those requests?"

Hah! That's a nice way to word it. Again I shook my head.

"Now Locke, your not being very truthful with me since it obviously is difficult for you. Now in order to give you a little bit of perspective, I'm going to have you do a _very_ difficult task."

I looked down between my chest and the sheets and saw Celes place the bowl directly below my groin and then trace the edge of it with one finger. I stared at her gloved hand, suddenly aware of how graceful and beautiful it was. I imagined it exploring my body, running down the center of my back making me shiver, gliding down my chest…then my stomach…them my hips…then my…

Oh shit!

"Locke, you are not going to be let down from here until you've filled up that bowl. But seeing as how your currently tied up, and you may very well be content to simply float here for a week, I'll be making sure you do your appointed chore this time." Quickly her beautiful and graceful hand glided in between my thighs and discovered what I'd been wondering over in the back of my head ever since she had come back to the room.

Despite all the commotion, Charlie was still fast asleep.

I heard her grunt in annoyance. To me it was a stroke of luck, but to her it was a delaying tactic. It wouldn't last long, I knew that much. I stared at the bowl as I awaited the inevitable, and it seemed to me to have grown three times in size. I wasn't a happy camper.

Before we go any further, I feel it necessary to reiterate the fact that I was being _punished_. This was an extremely erotic and pleasurable experience for only one of us. I'd gone through scenarios like this with her long enough to know that the only person who was gonna come out of this satisfied was her. Getting a hand job is all well and good the first time, the second time and certainly the third, but that was a mighty big bowl that needed filling and I don't think I'd feel very content when it was all done.

Soon enough Celes woke Chuck up and off we went. I might have known how it was going to end, but I lived for the moment and I was going to enjoy this while it was still enjoyable.

I looked down to watch my wife do her work, but suddenly I felt a terrible tug on my scalp and my head was thrust up and I now stared at the wall across the room.

"Ah ah ah, no peeking." She said with chilly coyness. I could feel her hand movements and I could tell she was trying to make them as lifeless and un-erotic as possible while still accomplishing the set goal. She was no fool. But I wasn't gonna give up without a fight and I began to increase my breathing and let out barely audible moans. She knew well enough I was faking it, but I was just kinda sticking it to her the only way I could, since giving her a raspberry wasn't really an option with the gag and all.

The rest of the story isn't worth telling. It wasn't erotic…not on my part at any rate. I'd like to think I put up a good battle (around the fifth time, I started doing impressions of Celes screams of pleasure which riled her greatly), but eventually I broke down. What really shamed me was how soon I broke. Another day and another time, I may very well have filled that fucking thing till it runneth over and still have the strength to blast a muffled victory yell through my gag. But I didn't even make it halfway through today. When it was finally over and I was let down, untied and ungagged, I lay where I fell. Charlie felt hot and raw and I struggled to roll myself onto my back and give him some breathing room. I felt empty and miserable.

"I hope you've learned your lesson little boy."

My head rolled over on its side and I looked up at Celes with half closed eyes. My vision was blurry, but it soon focused and I looked at her. She had her arms on her hips in a corny pose, and I'm sure she was trying to look like a charicature of a parent lecturing a child, but her face was solemn and she wasn't smiling her usually coy smile. She looked at me with a sad kind of embarrassment and there was no hint of happiness or triumph to be found in her expression. This wasn't how it was supposed to be and she knew it, but her pride wouldn't let her openly admit it. I knew that and understood it, so I didn't feel any ill will as she stood there gloating. In fact, I felt pity watching her as she desperately tried to pretend that nothing had gone wrong.

But something had.

What was supposed to happen kinda did happen. I was supposed to endure this punishment and come away drained yet still unsatisfied. Then she'd ask me if I'd learned my lesson and then she'd build me back up by her own devices (meaning whatever ideas came to her), and then we'd both go through the make-up sex. It was a happy lil dance where everyone came away happy and feeling like they'd accomplished something. That's how it was supposed to happen, but it'd gone wrong somewhere. Instead, I felt like something disgusting. I didn't understand it, I don't now. All I knew is that I didn't feel like I knew I should have. She'd never tried this kind of punishment before, but that didn't mean anything. They were all different each time although the basic theme was the same for all. So what happened this time?

Celes climbed into bed and lay down next to me. She'd taken her gloves off and now her hand caressed my face. She looked extremely guilty and almost to the point of tears.

"Why?" I asked hoarsely and found my voice was barely over a whisper, "Why didn't you stop?"

Even as I said the words, I wanted to clamp my mouth shut. I knew it wasn't her fault and I held no blame to her. Thankfully she didn't cry, but I could still see the pain that shot through her face as I spoke and it hurt me to see it. It hurt a lot.

"I…I don't know." Was all she could say. Her voice was broken and also barely above a whisper.

She leaned forward and wrapped arms around my neck, falling on top of my chest with her head next to mine. I felt her soft cheek against my own and wrapped my arms around her waist tightly. I kissed her cheek gently and whispered in her ear.

"I love you and I will never stop being in love with you no matter what."

She didn't lift her head up, but held me tighter. We never moved from that spot and I spent the rest of that night wondering what could've possibly ruined a perfectly normal S 'n M routine. I had a vague idea what. It was the only thing that was different from what had happened all those times before, but I just didn't understand how. I was still wondering as the sandman began to take over and just before I fell under his spell wholly, I looked down at my sleeping wife and was blessed with the realization that I'd been given the rare opportunity to tell her that I loved her and have it mean everything to her that it's supposed to. The message had gone through with a clarity that may never occur again.

Whatever may have gone wrong tonight, something very right had come out of it all.


	4. Sight and Sound

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It was two things, I think, that allowed us to break the barrier of what sex was supposed to be. One I already mentioned, but I think the other the fact that we were both virgins, physically if not mentally. For myself, my life just moved too fast for me to ever get a chance to deal with the subject, but I have no idea how Celes could have possibly stayed as naïve as she was. We were both from completely different worlds. Mine was a rural innocence, hers was an urban jungle, and yet we both shared about the same knowledge and attitude towards sex. It was something vague and held no special meaning. It was a world to be explored if we wanted. We had already been through one adventure and we were eager for another.

I have to ask, why do women always close their eyes when they kiss?

Why do men for that matter?

Sorry, I'm getting off track. Life went on as it has that tendency to do and since that small little story had a happy ending, the fallout didn't last as long. A couple days of sunny weather and summer breezes and we were as right as rain once again. Nothing gets rid of the blues like a picnic, I found out.

Celes sat beside me staring at the sunset while I lay down head on my hands, staring up at the clouds. The sky was a deep red, almost like blood, but that was because it was dusk. For the most part, the sky had now become different shades of orange, as it had been ever since that day when the world twisted. Many times I wondered if it would ever change back. The waters changed, only now they were orange too instead of polluted. I adjusted pretty well, orange was my favorite color. Celes' favorite color was black.

"Why do people always close their eyes when they kiss?" I blurted out after the sun had finally set. Celes looked down at me and I was rather surprised at just how radiant she looked in the soft evening light. Ice Queen indeed! Only the ignorant could associate her with the cold.

"I's just wonderin is all." I answered in response to her playfully questioning stare. She chuckled softly and brought her head down right over mine.

"You are so lucky I love you, ya ignorant fool." Then she kissed me with her eyes wide open. I gotta say, staring into her pools was a lot more creepy and less romantic than I thought it would be. I started to giggle uncontrollably and struggle, but she wasn't letting me go without a fight. Finally I pushed her off of me.

"Okay!" I laughed, "Sheesh. Who knew the eyes were that creepy? I tell ya, sometimes I think nature smokes some of the laughin weed to make people like that."

"Not just any people dear." Celes replied, staring at me with a wry smile. She lay on her back beside me, her body pointed in the exact opposite direction. Wow, did I feel good!

My stomach suddenly lurched and my eyes were blinded by short bursts of bright white light. My ears were assaulted with a high pitched sound and then they were gone, except for my stomach cramp. My eyes were blurry and there was a ringing in my ears that was growing louder and then softer in undulating waves. All I could see was a vague green darkness and Celes' voice coming from very far away. Her voice was impossible to make out, but it comforted me and no one could do that but her. My mind felt sluggish and I wasn't aware that I lifting myself off the ground until my vision was more than two feet above what I assumed was grass. I couldn't feel myself. My vision was clearing and I could recognize Celes' voice but couldn't make out what she was saying. I couldn't see her anywhere. I felt a vague tugging on my shirt and the world swirled. I felt like I was about to throw up and was suddenly aware of another voice. It didn't sound human, but like something that was trying to imitate one. It roared an angry speech I didn't understand. Suddenly the bright light flashed again and I winced my eyes closed in pain. I felt a tug in the back of my jaw and the high pitched sound returned slowly turning itself into a very audible scream. My eyes shot open though I didn't want them to. I was screaming.

I saw Celes face and she was glowing with a bright radiance that revealed her to be a goddess. I instantly stopped screaming. But she wasn't a goddess, only a woman. There was no glow. She looked so real and beautiful. I felt a wave of dizziness and my eyes rolled back into their sockets.

"No! Nononono, please don't!" I heard her voice now as clear and sharp as a crystal shard and I forced my eyes back onto her. I fought the dizziness. I stared into her and she came into focus. She was crying. I reached up to touch her and her face grew further away from me. I could see my arm trying to reach her, but she was miles away. A terror possessed me then more horrible than I could ever remember having. I lunged my entire being after her. The world tilted again and her face was close to me once again, but I was looking down on her. My hand fell upon her shoulder and wrapped around it in a death grip. The other hand wrapped around her neck, pinning her head to the ground and I stared into eyes wide with fear and innocence. Something was hurting her and it was me.

I pushed myself away and she seemed to stay close in my eyes, still terrified. I put up my arms to my face and turned away.

"Get away! I'm bad! Stay away!"

I was surprised at how distant my voice seemed. In my desperation, I realized that I'd somehow gotten to my feet, but I couldn't find any solid ground. The whole world was dark and blurry, like someone's impressionistic painting brought to life and it kept tilting in all directions. I stumbled around trying to run away and stay balanced at the same time. I had to get away from her cause I hurt her. A bright flash passed before me.

"…no…"

The world twisted to ninety degrees and all went black. If I had any dreams or nightmares, I didn't remember them when I woke up.


	5. Destruction

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The greatest sin against man, even worse than greed, was making it impossible for him to accept paradise. Even should he make all his dreams come true, he would be cursed with the feeling that it would not last. True perfection was simply not something he was allowed to experience until after he'd died I guess. I was terrified of my heaven, because it was such a simple place. Celes was my heaven, all of it, and there was never a time when I wasn't aware of how fragile my life was, how much it depended on her to be there for me. Thing was I knew that anxiety was keeping me from truly enjoying my life to the fullest. But how do you simply get rid of your feelings? About the only thing I wouldn't have given up to know was her.

I'd woken up to find that I was in my bed. I immediately went in search of Celes and found her sitting on the couch with her hands covering her face. I could see a half empty bottle of wine on the living room table next to one that was completely empty. I entered silently and sat down next to her without saying a word. I reached out to her and as soon as I touched her, she was aware of me and recoiled away from me with a terrified gasp. She looked completely sober.

I brought my hand back and stared at her. I felt weak and empty and a vague sense of sadness as if it was something that was deep inside me, eating me at my core. I think I was crying because my vision blurred again. I thought I was going to faint, but I didn't mind.

Suddenly she rushed over to me and hugged me tight and began to sob. I held her tight and a vague sense of that terror I'd felt before returned, but it felt distant too. I still felt empty, but I held her tight. I didn't want to feel that way and if anyone could stop it, it was her. I held her like that for long time and I slowly felt my old self returning. Very slowly.

Eventually I let go and looked at her. She stared back, her eyes full of confusion.

"What happened?"

Boy that really deserved a good and informative answer.

"I don't know."

I felt so helpless. She deserved answers. So did I for that matter, but I wasn't thinking about me. I just wanted that look on her face to go away. It made her look helpless. She wasn't helpless. I didn't want to remember what happened, but I didn't care about me anymore.

"I felt really good." I didn't recognize my own voice, but I couldn't stop now. "That's what I last remember before…no…no I felt something right after…" This part was new to me but I simply kept on talking. I felt like I was just in this for the ride. "I remember feeling something…uneasy? I don't know. I usually get that way though. I've always been like that. Every time I think about how good I feel or how much I love you, anything like that, I just get… It's like I can't stop and be content about how my life turned out without being forced realize that it could all slip away with the snap of a finger. Like I'm not allowed to feel that secure. I don't know." I turned away embarrassed. I was spouting nonsense to her. She didn't deserve that.

"Then I saw a white light…" I ended lamely.

"Locke…please tell me the rest. I know there's more." She spoke so softly, almost a whisper. She sounded so scared and helpless. My stomach twisted really nasty like and I had to fight to keep it still. I didn't look up at her, but told her the rest while staring at my feet. I felt stupid.

When it was over, there was a long period of silence. I stared down at the floor. If I could have been allowed to stare down there till I died of starvation, I would have been eternally grateful.

"You looked terrified when you held me down…" I winced with guilt and she paused, uncertain. "…and…that's what I was so scared of. When you lu…lunged at me…for a moment I thought that maybe it wasn't you. That maybe it was someone else inside you, but then you…had me down and I saw the look on your face. You looked so scared. I didn't know what to do. Then you…it was like you discarded me."

Discarded? Somewhere in my deep misery I had the awareness to ponder that word. It confused me. I was hurting her, I needed to stay away to protect her. I didn't say anything.

"I got up and you were staggering on the lawn and the way you had your hands up I thought you'd gone blind. Then when you caught sight of me you screamed at me to go away. Locke I…" Her voice was trembling.

I shivered a little. I felt like I was being sucked into some black sludge. I couldn't respond to anything she said and I just felt worse and worse as she talked.

"Locke…I don't know what to…" I could tell she was crying. My stomach suddenly stopped fighting me. It just became a dead weight in my gut.

Without warning she grabbed me and held herself close to me, kissing me and crying. At first I didn't respond, I just ignored it. She kissed me at the base of the neck then the cheek, then my shoulder and she began to grab at my shirt trying to open it up and take it off of me, desperate for a response. Any response. I could hear her sobs become louder and I felt like I was something horrible.

"…no…" I don't know if she heard me, I don't even know if I said it aloud. All I knew was that this wasn't right.

She ignored me or just didn't hear me and she ripped open my shirt and forcibly pushed me down on the couch and lifted herself on top of me. I could feel her teardrops fall on my chest and they were icy cold.

"…no…" I know I mouthed the words, but again, I wasn't sure if any sound escaped my lips.

Celes still ignored me. She was kneeling down, kissing me just below my throat and then kissing me a little lower. My breathing became heavier.

"…no…"

Kissing my chest. I could feel her tears on me. My breathing became almost raspy.

"No…"

Kissing my abdomen. The tears stung every time one dropped. I gasped.

"No."

Kissing my stomach. She heard me that time, and I heard her say my name. I was panting now.

"No!"

Kissing my pelvic area. She grabbed my pants and unzipped the fly. She fumbled with my underwear. I felt her teardrops and they made my muscles retract.

"_No!_" I recoiled back from her hands and fell off of the couch. I got up quickly and staggered backwards. I was taking deep breaths, but I could feel myself calming down. I looked at Celes. Her head was in her arms and she was sobbing harder than I'd ever seen her. I knelt down beside her and lifted her up in front of me. She sat on the couch and I was knelt before her, looking up at her. Something about that, standing below her, felt right and I felt the small inkling of…I'm not sure what, happiness, a sense of order…who knows. It was better than what I had been feeling and I latched on with fatal desperation.

She still had her hand cupped over her face, but she wasn't crying as much, I could tell. Gently I took her hands down to her lap and looked up at her. That good feeling was rising fast.

"I will do anything you want me to, if it will make you happy." My voice was broken and choked, filled with a desperate uncertainty that surprised me.

Celes looked at me with tears freely flowing down her cheeks. Her eyes sparkled.

"Make love to me." She whispered.

I leaned in and kissed her deeply. As deeply and full of desire for her as I can ever remember. Then the feeling that had been growing inside me burst forth and engulfed me. It was a blind feeling of need to serve her. To exist only to bring her pleasure, her happiness. To make her feel all the good feelings one can in this world, and nothing else.


	6. Salvation

__

For the most part, there's three forms of sex that I'm aware of. There's the sex that's purely about the physical act (commonly known as fucking), there's the sex that's all about the love you feel for another and expressing it to the fullest (hence the term 'making love'), then there's the unfortunate middle child, investing at least some emotions to heighten the pleasure, but not enough for it to really have any lasting emotional meaning (simply called 'having sex', a term that's as broad and vague as the form associated with it). Most of the men I've talked to don't prefer to make love. Either they don't think it's worth the effort, or they don't care. I'm not sure if I hate them or pity them.

I picked her up and carried her in my arms out of the living room and up the stairs to our bedroom. She wrapper her arms around my neck and snuggled against my chest and I could feel her breath on me. I felt so calm and peaceful, as if those horrible feelings had never happened. I led her through the bedroom door and her breathing had become very soft and even. I thought she might have gone to sleep, but when I laid her down, she was looking up at me smiling. I climbed into bed next to her and we both embraced each other and kissed each other. For a long time, that's all we did and it was enough.

Then I felt her hand glide in between us while the other moved down my back. They both grabbed my pants and underwear together and tugged at them, slowly but surely bringing then down around my thighs. With a strong thrust, I moved myself closer to her and felt her body tense up as she gasped. With a last, strong tug, she had taken off my pants and threw them aside. She held me close and pushed her hips into me with a desperate need and I heard her emit a small moan. Then she moved her self onto her knees and tugged at me to follow. As I got on my knees she pushed herself away and spread her legs laying down before me, arching her back in a graceful stretch. I gripped her hips and slid her up on my legs and up to my waist. She wrapped her legs around me as she brought her body right up to mine in a beautiful movement like a ballerina. She stared into my eyes with an animal lust and her hair hung wild about her and over her face. Her breath was heavy and quick. We both kissed each other and she wrapped her arms around my neck and I held my hands about her waist.

I moved my hand over the ripped shorts she'd been wearing and then up to her shirt. It was tugged underneath the short and I gripped the folds and pulled it out. With each tug she gave a small excited squeak. My hands worked at a frenzied pace, yanking the shirt from out of the shorts. When it was done, there was no longer anything to stop me from bringing my hands down on the bare skin of her waist. As I did, I heard her gasp again and her breathing became harder and our kisses became deeper and longer. My hands explored her stomach and abdomen and as they explored higher and higher, the shirt followed, so that as I reached to cup her breasts, her torso could be fully seen. She wasn't wearing a a bra, she rarely did. My hands moved up, messaging her shoulders and slowly gliding across each arm towards her hands. As they did, she stopped kissing me and let herself fall backwards slowly, arching her back so that she seemed like a contortionist. Every curve and muscle on her body was suddenly made clear for me to see as she breathed. The shirt fell off of her and her upper body was naked before me. She seemed to glow.

I leaned forward and kissed her stomach and my arms wrapped around her lower back for support. I heard her suddenly cry out in a high pitched gasp and she fought to control her breath again. My hands caressed and explored her lower back, running over all the slight hills and valleys that defined her and soon they came upon her shorts once again. I leaned back away from her and brought my hands around and to her front. I began to undo her pants button and unzip her fly at the same time. She brought her arms behind her for support and looked down at what I was doing and her breaths slowly quickened. They were undone and I tugged at the shorts quickly. Celes then lay down on her back and brought her hands over mine and held them there against her crotch for a moment before pushing them away. Then, with the finesse of a gymnast she unlocked her legs from around me and brought them together in front of me, pointing directly up into the air. She grabbed her denims and brought them over her bottom and thighs and then slowly moved her legs down over her upper body and then they were tossed away. All she had on were her panties.

"I want you to take them off." She breathed softly. Her eyes looked at me with gentleness.

My hands slowly and gently gripped each leg and ran down them, feeling the skin on her calves, then her thighs, then her buttocks. They came across the panties and I held them there for what could have been an eternity. Then I pulled them down with my palms, as if afraid to touch her skin. It was a very slow process, but Celes was reveling in every second of it. Finally, I pulled them from her feet and let them drop from my hands. Celes quickly wrapped her legs around me once again as got off my knees and brought my body over her. I stopped there and hovered over her. We were both naked now, there were no more barriers. A sweat drop fell from my nose. I was breathing slowly, but erratically. I stared into her face and could not believe that something so beautiful could be real. She looked up at me with an expression that could only be described as pure love.

"I love you. I love you so much." Her whisper was as soft as velvet, but it rang in my ears and my soul. I brought my body down on her and entered her in one rush.

"_Oh!"_

Her entire body grabbed me. Her legs suddenly held me down into her and her arms were around my back with her hands fiercely gripping my shoulders. Her back arched and her stomach and chest pressed against mine. I felt my mind slip into a beautiful place I cannot describe. We made love.

Something happened to me that had never happened before, and that I can't really describe. I can only say that what happened was like every poem ever written about love and every dream that had come true. I lost my senses to her. Sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, I was no longer aware of them, only her. Not how she looked, but how she _felt_. It was like I didn't need my senses to tell me what she was feeling anymore. I was then truly a part of her, of her _being_. Her emotions were my emotions, her needs were my needs, and her desires were my desires, and we desired each other. We need each other. I needed her.


	7. Redemption

__

Has there ever been a time in your life when you abandoned your senses completely and were only able to experience how you felt, like you'd left your body and had a direct connection to your soul? I didn't think anyone could feel that way unless they died and gone to heaven, until it happened to me.

I stared up at the ceiling and didn't think about anything in particular. I was completely void of mental activity. I couldn't even tell you what I was feeling, not until she stirred and held me a little bit tighter. Then I knew I was feeling absolute joy. I held her as close to me as possible because I could tell that was what she wanted. Somehow, I knew everything she wanted.

It was early the next morning. So early that it was still dark, although there was a very faint light that barely separated the horizon that peeked through the windows to our room. Celes had her head She slowly opened her eyes and looked up at me.

"I didn't know it could feel like that. I didn't know I could feel like that."

"Me neither."

"How did it feel for you?" She sounded calm and peaceful, but she felt a small sense of urgency. I could tell that this was important to her somehow. It'd never been important before.

"It was…" I paused, unsure of how to describe it. "I don't want to say. It seems too important for words."

"Yeah…" she hugged me tighter.

I sighed, "I wish time could stop for us. For this moment."

Celes kissed my neck gently and snuggled closer to me.

"I don't." she said, "I want to feel more moments like these."

"They're so rare though…"

She looked up at me for a moment with an expression I didn't understand, then suddenly lifted herself up so that she was facing. "Not for me Locke. I experience it every time I'm alone with you. Every time I feel your touch and every time I can lie next to you. All I have to do is be with you and I feel this wonderful feeling like everything in my life is perfect. Don't you get that feeling too?" Her eyes looked into mine with a sort of desperation. Pleading.

"Yes. I feel it every waking moment of my life. I feel it because I know you exist. If you never came to know who I was, still I would get that feeling simply by being in your presence. I never thought saying 'I love you' wouldn't be enough to describe how I feel about you." It all came out before I could stop it and when I finished I felt a swift, blind terror one might feel if they were in a sword fight and suddenly realized they'd left themselves wide open on their side. She could destroy me with a word.

"Really?" She said it with such honestly, such a look of genuine inquisitiveness, it was almost scary. How could she not know?

From out of nowhere, a sudden realization hit me. Something about our relationship was changing. Somehow I was looking at her and not seeing the same woman from yesterday. No, that wasn't right. It was the same woman I'd always loved, but I was seeing her different, though I didn't have any idea how. I wondered, did she see me differently too? Again I felt a fear run through me. It was a deep fear, a basic fear of the unknown, but there was anxiousness there too. Something new and fresh was before me, waiting to be explored. I had a decision to make.

"Why did you come with me Celes?" Once again, it spilled out of me before I realized I was asking it, but it was different. As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew what I was talking about. It was something that'd I'd successfully kept to myself. Something I never wanted to tell Celes but now I was blurting it out and I didn't seem to have the will to stop it coming out. It could have been that lack of control that was the most terrifying thing of all.

"When the airship landed, you followed me down the stairs. At first I thought it was because you were seeing me off, being courteous and all. But you stayed with me and even as the ship lifted into the air, I kept looking back to you to make sure you were real, that I hadn't imagined it. Then I assumed you wanted to make a new life for yourself and Kohlingen was as good a place as any to start. It was just coincidence that I was going to build my home there in the fields near the town, but then you didn't leave. Still I couldn't understand it. Even when you told me why, I didn't understand. In fact, I don't think I've ever fully understood Celes."

I stopped. The deed had been done and there was no turning back. I don't know what I'd just done and I didn't know now what to do, so I waited.

"How can you not understand?" Celes still stared into my eyes and brought her hand to my cheek. "How can you not understand that I love you?"

"Because I'm not worthy of your love!" I move her hand away. "Celes I love you, yes, but who wouldn't? How can anyone not fall in love with you, your strength, your power, your beauty? What am I to that? You were a general of the highest rank in the most powerful empire in the history of the world! You wielded the arts of the Magi! You might just as well have been a queen! And what am I? A petty theif from a back water town. What can I possibly offer you that would make me worthy of your love? How can you love someone like me? Why do you love me?" That defenseless feeling returned, but it was far worse. It was worse because now I was asking for an answer that I had never wanted to hear. I lived in the terror of the silence and inevitable reason. It was because she pitied me.

She looked at me with a steady expressionless face. Then she turned her gaze to my hand. I still held her wrist. As if her hands could burn, I released it immediately. Without a word, she brought her hand to mine and slipped her fingers through mine, grasping it tightly. Then she slowly looked back at me.

"That's why I love you." She said with infinite softness. "Because every time my hand holds yours, you'll hold mine tighter. Because every time I embrace you, you'll hold me to you as if you'll never want to let go. Because I know that even if I'd been the washing maid in the laundry sector of the imperial castle who didn't know an esper from a flower pot, you still would have fallen in love with me. Because…" she faltered and looked down for a moment and I felt a sudden need to do just what she had said and hold her.

"…because no matter how many mistakes I make, you'll just hold my hand and my body tightest of all and say you'll always be in love with me and do whatever I wish if it'll make me happy." She was crying now, but there was such a look of joy on her, as if she'd discovered the truth to eternal happiness. I couldn't hold back any longer and I held her tight to me as if never to let go.

She wept openely and her tears fell on me, They were warm as I felt them hit me, and that strange and wonderful feeling of being alive just for her returned, but was more subdued. The sense of purpose wasn't as strong…or maybe just not as focused. It was hard to describe, if not downright impossible. I felt great and let's leave it at that.

I think we spent the rest of the day like that. Soon, she'd stopped crying and fell into a deep sleep with her head resting where it had lain before. I stared up at the ceiling and now my mind was filled with questions. Things were changing and I owed it all to something I didn't understand at all. I didn't even know how to approach it. What was happening to me and why? I was almost ashamed for asking such obvious questions, but I think I still deserved answers. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I grew. There was a growing fear that if I concentrated too hard, it might come back. But the fear never grew beyond anything more than a slight tremble in the back of my head. Eventually I stopped thinking about it and as I ran my hand idly through Celes golden hair, my eyelids grew heavy.

Oddly enough, the last thing I thought about before dozing was the realization that I had been on top. It kinda sneaked into my head out of nowhere and it was almost cute in its embarrassing masculinity, but it made me realize something else. I had never been on top before.


	8. Waking Up

_Yeah, that was as sappy as hell, but like I said, I'm not telling this story for you. Just sit tight and we'll get back to the nookie eventually. Damn, this just gets tougher for people to appreciate every time…_

I woke up as people who are sleeping tend to do. Celes was still in my arms asleep. My slumber had had all the effect of a blink. Everything that I had felt and thought was still clear in my mind, there was just one difference. Despite all the things that had been said and all the rather imposing feelings I'd experienced, the thing foremost in my mind was the issue of the flashes and screams.

I didn't want it to be.

Oh well, couldn't be helped. It was probably for the best, idleness being the hands of the devil after all, and it had to be dealt with. The biggest step is the first and it's the job that never gets started that takes longest to finish and all that.

I was stalling for time and I knew it was because I was afraid. In spite of myself, I began to recall what happened out in field. The flashes through my head, that impossible speech. At first I felt afraid, but as I went through the events in my head, the fear dissipated. I was protected by a mental barrier, a sort of indifference and awareness that it was a memory only. My stomach didn't twist and that also made me feel more secure. I thought about what happened, then when I was finished and discovered nothing new, I started over again, and again. As the repetition progressed, so did the fear recess and soon everything I saw in my mind held almost no emotional connection to me whatsoever. I almost became bored.

Then I remembered a flash of light that was different from the rest. It was the flash after I heard the monster speech. I discovered it was different early on, around the fourth or fifth time, but I didn't know how or why. I couldn't even make a quality guess. Maybe it was because it of the speech or maybe not. It seemed like a good reason, but there was just no way to tell. I had nothing to compare any of this to and it frustrated me. Okay, fine…what else?

…

"Well fuck."

Celes stirred and woke up, moving herself off of me with a gentle nudge. I looked at her and the frustration was abated for a moment. Wow but she was vision that I never got tired of! She stretched and her entire body tensed. I was entranced. She twisted her torso to the left and then to the right, then returned to laying on her back, holding her arms close to her chest the whole time. She moved her legs close to her chest and assumed a fetal position moments before stretching all her limbs as far as she could. I was gone completely. Her mouthed opened wide and she yawned.

That effectively killed the moment. I winced at the sound produced.

May the goddesses smile on her, but she had a yawn that was about as feminine as a fart at the dinner table. I remember the first time I heard her, I leaped out of bed and ran to my nearby dagger, thinking some animal had entered the room. As I stood looking towards the bed, wearing nothing but a look of wild terror and my knife, Celes was staring back at me with the look of innocent curiosity on her face. She cocked her head to the side slightly and raised an eyebrow. She yawned again and then I understood, but I was no less shocked. That a human being, let alone a woman, could produce such an awful assault to the ears…mind boggling. There's just no way to describe it to you, and I would spare you (and me) the torture of trying. So I went back to bed with her, feeling silly and curiously enough, aroused. We decided to make the best of an embarrassing situation. Well…she did.

She leaped upon me with a quickness that took me by surprise. Before I realized what was going on, she had already mounted me and was starting to ride. I tried to say something, but I couldn't create words, so I ended up making these that rather resembled a startled animal.

"Shut up and fuck me!" She commanded breathlessly. I hadn't even said anything yet. Now I just nodded, lost in the pleasure and surprise. It was a nice and energetic quickie, something we hadn't had in ages. Quickies don't get the respect they deserve. Spontaneous sex means your both in the mood, so you're damn near guaranteed to get the most out of it. I worked hard to get her to a quick climax, just to slow down at the last minute. I saw the knowing smile it put on her face and that alone almost made me come. But I held myself in check, attacking her in waves of quick animal thrusts, only to taper off as she reached the heights, taking her ever closer and closer to her final breaching point. This kinda sex could get old pretty quick, I'll admit. The trick was to look for the right signal. The right expression or glance from the partner that told you, this'll be the final stretch…make it good. Half the time, even they don't know they sent it.

On the sixth or seventh wave, as I slowed down, Celes leaned forward and grabbed my shoulders and her legs ever so slightly tightened around my midsection. She bit her lower lip and looked at me with hungry eyes. Oh yeah, she was ready. I began to lung into her harder, deeper, and slower than before. She closed her eyes and tried to keep her lower lip held down. But she couldn't.

"Yes! Yes! Just like this!"

Soon my thrusts were pushing her and my pelvis off of the bed, the slow push ending with quick thrusts that would have her gasping and digging herself into me with the slow build of animal want. I let myself slide slowly and comfortably into that animal, and my body slowly gave up all sense of seduction and attacked her as she lost herself and simply began to scream and howl and buck against me. With the heat of her lighting me up, I screamed out as she did. We didn't stop thrusting into each other, forcing our orgasm to disappear slowly. When it was over, Celes slowly dismounted and sat at the edge of the bed and decided to end on a comedic note with a fake yawn.

Unfortunately, it was still early in the morning and the fake yawn turned into a real one.

Oi, she was making it long this time! I had my hands to my ears and was humming some tune I couldn't place. Eventually she stopped, but I couldn't tell. All I felt was the slap she gave to my stomach. The air _wooshed_ out of me with in the form of a laugh. I opened my eyes and looked in her direction. She looked at me with frustrated annoyance.

"You are _sooo_ melodramatic about that! It's not that bad." She got out of bed and walked over to her dresser drawer.

"Like hell it isn't!" I called after her, getting up with renewed energy. I must say I felt rather strongly about the topic. It didn't matter if you were in the deepest of dreams, nothing I know on this world can deny that auditory assault. Simply put, if she was waking up, I would be too, end of discussion. It was the alarm clock from hell and I said so.

She had her back to me, but I could tell that brought out a chuckle. I was onna role. I leaped out of bed and walked up behind her.

"I mean, sheesh woman, it sounds like one of the imperial Fidors trying to imitate an un-oiled magiteck machine! More than once I think it made the floorboards vibrate and I've been thinking about reinforcing the beams as a result."

"Oh shut up!" She whirled around and pushed me away, trying to hold back her laughter while putting on her shirt and failing miserably.

"Hey!" I cried out, lifting up my arms in a gesture of innocence. "Alls I'm saying is that if it doesn't wake the dead, it must scare 'em further into the ground."

She looked at me with mock anger. "You should be one to talk! _You're_ the one with a snore that could wake the dead and make 'em throw an old boot at you to shut you up. At least I get you up when you're supposed to. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up and thought I was in the middle of an earthquake! There's a reason you'd wake up once in a while with all the pillows over your head."

"Oh!" I said with questioning surprise. "All this time, I thought you were just trying to kill me to get the house…"

Celes was finished getting dressed and now knelt down to tie her shoes. "Well now that you mention it, you can't snore if your not breathing…" She suddenly grabbed her chin, apparently deep in thought about procedures for my demise.

"Hey! My snores don't count anyway! I'm not awake when they happen. You actually have a choice to keep those un-holy sounds to yourself. _Hah! _Gotcha there don't I? Hmm? Hmm?" I stuck my chin out at her like I was a ten year old who'd gotten the best of his parents in an argument.

She stood up, finished tying her shoes, and rolled her eyes at me before turning round and heading out the door.

"Yeah, that's what I _thought!_" I called after her. "Oh yeah, I'm bad! I'm bad! In your _face!_ What do ya think of _that_, huh? Huh?"

"I think your still naked in the bedroom while we're late for the open market in town." I suddenly heard the opening of the front door and it's sudden close. My eyes widened.

"Oh shit!"

With powerful energy of excited desperation backing me, I was able to slap on enough clothes to look decent (relatively speaking) in the space of maybe twenty seconds and was down the stairs and out the door in less than half a min. The morning sun was already well on it's way to noon and it hurt when it hit me. My eyes suddenly retreated into my sockets and it took a moment for me to get my bearings. In the meantime, I stumbled over every possible rock and tree root there could ever be between the front door and the front gate ten yards away. One last whatever-it-was grabbed my foot harshly and I stumbled till I hit the gate and fell over it, landing on my tailbone with a dull thump. The pain went up my spine like a lightning strike going backwards and my teeth grit inside my mouth for a moment. I got up slowly, rubbing my lower back.

"Oi! I'll be feeling that tomorrow morning."

"Will you move your ass?" Celes was almost a hundred yards away, out in the middle of the wild fields between the farmhouse and town. She looked back at me and I could tell she was getting impatient for real this time. "You've already ruined your clothes, let's not make things worse. I'm not missing the good prices for roots again, understand?"

I didn't say anything, but made a shambling run after her. She didn't wait for me, so it was quite awhile before I caught up with her. It gave me plenty of time to soak up the sun and lift my spirits. I felt a cool breeze run across my face that made me laugh out loud and run even faster towards my love. Today was going to be a great day.


	9. Confession

__

I've loved two people in my life. Even after my first love departed with her blessing to love again, I still couldn't leave the conflict behind. And what if I had been able to? What would it say about me that as soon I was given the say so, I could have free reign with the first woman to walk by without the slightest hint of guilt? I kept that guilt with me a lot longer than I let anyone, even Celes, know. To this day, I don't know if I did that because of her, or because of me.

Now going to the market was a rare occasion for yours truly. For some reason, I just didn't usually go. I can't really pinpoint a good reason. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, hell I had all sorts of fun playing wonderfully juvenile pranks on the townsfolk and there was always the pub when I got bored, or if I thought Celes was catching on to me. The more times I went, the quicker I ended up sitting at the pub. That may have been the reason, but I didn't really think so.

Ah hell, who cares? I'd been asking too many questions about myself lately.

So there I was, walking beside Celes feeling pretty damn good and not giving a tin shit towards whatever it was that was growing on my mind and knocking on my synapses every once in a while. I knew now what it was like and how to deal with it. Let that fucking hallucination do it's worst, I was stone! Aint nothing gonna break me! I was filled with the kind of confidence that was fueled by an underlying and powerful fear. Right then I wouldn't admit it, but deep down, I was terrified.

But it was nice sunny day and that terror was deep down. I walked along with Celes, humming a tune I can't remember.

"Your singing it all wrong." Celes said suddenly. She hadn't said anything ever since she'd left the house.

"Really? That's probably why I can't place the tune." I replied thoughtfully, then added. "Perhaps m'lady would be willing to bestow upon me a vocal correction?"

"I would." She smiled back at me. I was stunned to silence, Celes never sang. Not without a lot more whining on my part than I had yet let out.

"I-I would be greatly honored, m'lady." I stammered. Either it was the shock or the anticipation.

Celes had the most beautiful voice the world had ever known. I say that with an almost childish pride because I know that I'm not being in the least way biased toward my love. She had one chance on the stage and it became a fiasco. The entire play was ruined and in fact the entire incident had caused some minor damage to the stage at the Opera House and it was closed a week for repairs. That had never happened in the entire history of the place and people talked about that show even to this day.

Thing was, they didn't talk much about the destruction or even the kidnapping. What everyone talked about was Maria's performance. Apparently she was quite the siren, but on that night she _was_ the goddess of music brought to flesh and blood. If the mishap afterwards was ever mentioned, it was with a deep regret and bitterness that it should occur during Maria's greatest performance. Boy howdy, I tell you, ya just can't buy that kinda pride!

So anyway, yeah, I stood there thinking that I was having a pretty screwball weekend, what with the head trips 'n everything when it hit me. Then it left me cause at that point Celes started singing.

I'm not a poet and I can't put beauty to words, so don't ask me to. It's beyond me and I highly suspect that describing Celes' singing is beyond anyone else too. It's like beauty in it's purest form. Somehow it just finds its way into you, into something deep and powerful. Every time she sings I think I've been changed somehow. I don't know, like I said, I can't describe it. I can only enjoy it.

So I did. I didn't know the tune, but that hardly mattered. It would be stuck in my head for the rest of the month by the time she was finished. She sang for what seemed like forever till she stopped. Then it felt like it'd only been a minute, at best. I let out a deep sigh and realized that a cloud had come over the sun. The cool breeze was only slightly warmer and it was now a fair bit stronger, dancing with Celes' hair in a wonderfully graceful waltz. I stared at her in a kind of daze.

"Why don't you sing more often?" I said in a fairly dazed tone. I probably sounded buzzed, I certainly felt like I was.

Celes looked down at the ground. "I'm not that good." She replied solemnly.

I blinked at her and was instantly sobered up. Who was this woman I was walking with? Seriously, I was beginning to feel something that could very well have been panic or worse, that deep seated terror, begin to creep up outta me. Celes was acting so bizarre it left me feeling like she was someone I'd never met before. She was responding without hesitation to questions she used to answer only with a glare and the answers obviously made her uncomfortable. Simply put, Celes did not do that…ever. I was beginning to feel lost in something I didn't understand and it made me feel more and more distant from her. I wasn't going to let that happen, so I got straight to the bottom of things the only way I knew how.

"You…" I stammered and tried again. "You…" Okay, once again, this time breath first. "You…(uh oh)…you…(come on, you can do it!)…you don't think your good?" Atta boy!

"Of course not. I don't know how to sing, you know that."

That was news to me.

"Uh…huh…" I was dumbfounded and a little annoyed. You ever know some person with this amazing talent and they never felt it was of any worth. Ya just wanna smack 'em upside the head don't you? I couldn't say I felt exactly the same way towards Celes, but I'd be pretty disappointed if she simply didn't want to believe how good she was. I suddenly felt a twist in my stomach at that thought.

"You…you really believe you can't sing?" I was only just beginning to understand, but you'll have to forgive me. I'm not that bright and Celes isn't exactly the most forthcoming person in the world. She didn't answer.

"How can you possibly think that? I mean it, what _exactly _is it that makes you think your not good. How do you know?" I suddenly felt hot around the collar.

"Well…I don't…" She stammered and trailed off. I usually didn't like it when she did that, but I didn't care now.

"I figured." I said crossly. "How dare you? How _dare _you? To abuse what you have, it's unreal. Did you drop the first sword given you because you feared it would cut you?"

Was I yelling? I felt like I wasn't in control anymore. I should've been scared, I should've been terrified. I should've been seeing bright white lights flash before my eyes and hear Satan speaking to me in tongues. Instead I felt calm and grateful. The lack of control was also a lack of responsibility. I wasn't holding the riegns anymore and I could finally sit back and relax. I let whatever it was have it's peace and somewhere in that place that had been holding all those other nasty mental monsters a feeling of pity and sorrow towards Celes was growing. Eventually, I'd stop when it grew large enough, but not right now.

"Singing is not something you learn Celes. It's not something you _train _for. Not for you. You don't hide what's inside you when you sing, in fact it frees it from you. It frees it for every person who can hear it. You sing for me, but only when you can't hold back anymore, when the closet gets too big to hide all those nasty skeletons. You let them lose and spill your guts out to me secure in the knowledge that I won't understand your pain, your pleasure, your desires, your needs. But I do. I don't need to understand the song to understand the meaning. Neither does anyone else who listens to you. Do you know what your voice is capable of? Is that the real reason why you don't sing? Tell me what your so afraid of."

"I _can't!_" She suddenly burst into tears. "Please…don't make me…" That feeling of pity was gaining momentum really fast. I didn't have much time.

"I don't want to, but you do." My harsh tone suddenly became gentle and desperate. "You sang for me now because you had to. You needed to tell me something and I don't want you to shut it in again. It hurts, but that pain does more damage when it's buried deep inside. It kills people Celes. It's killing you and it's killing me. I don't want it to kill you."

With a rush almost like the winds of the north, I was back on the saddle and I felt like my very soul had been stolen from me and all that was left was this weak and scared husk. But I wasn't alone.

"Please let it go. Then it'll be gone forever." I said with great effort. We were at the threshold and it was up to her to decide whether to cross over or not.

She did.


	10. Supression

__

No, I'm not going to tell you what she said. To be put bluntly, it's none of your business. Yes, I'm fully aware how hypocritical that is, but I don't care. She confessed her sins to me in the middle of those fields because no one would hear her cry it out to the world except me. She didn't want anyone else to know and I'll respect that. Hmm…yes, I suppose she could have done that at the house, but then answer me this. Do you bury your dead under the floorboards? In any case, I wouldn't worry too much. If I do my job right, by the end of this story, you'll know what she said without having to hear it.

We reached the town shortly before nine, but despite even that rather early hour, there was a terribly large gathering of shoppers. They all walked about the lanes of the town, in a swirl of heads and shoulders and maybe a thin arm reaching up to a mothers hand scattered about the mob. You'd never believe that so many people could live in such a small village like Kohilingen…and you'd be right. But ever since the nasty dance the world had done, it was the only community on that small continent. Market Day occurred every other month and everyone in the entire land would travel here. Celes plunged into the fray immediately, dragging me along, clutching my hand in a painful death grip. All I could do was pray we could catch a current before we were pried apart by the chaos.

When walking through the market, I was always reminded of the rapids on the Lete. All the movement of the thousands (yes, thousands) of people there were dictated by a specific current. In all the lanes of the town, small stands had been set up against every building, blocking off any entrance to any stores except the pub and inn. Next to these was where the mob was densest as they moved back and forth to each stand, pondering over what to buy or barter. In the middle of the street however, was the river's current. There the density was reduced greatly and the current ran quickly in only one direction, but woe be unto anyone who dared try to go upstream in the street and fight the current. That was the key to shopping during Market Day, you had to know what you wanted, what stands provided it, and which way the streets flowed in order to get there before anyone else. Then, once you were caught in the current, you had to maneuver to the proper side of the shore and fight the meandering mob on shore in order to get to your stand and get what you need. After that, it was back into the current to get swept off to your next destination. The whole affair gave a you a remarkable lack of control and that could've been why I didn't come as often, but I didn't really think so.

Celes fought the crowd with her usual amount of tact and finesse. As I was yanked to fro through the crowd, I'd receive the tail end of a curse meant for her before whoever she'd pushed was lost in the sea of people. Some people she'd even knock over which would create a domino effect that I always found wickedly amusing. Quickly enough, she fought her way off of the sidewalk and onto the street. Unfortunately, I had yet found the time to re-strengthen the grip she'd been losing on me from all the tossing and shoving and as soon as she stepped out, our hands parted ways. I was now alone and there was no way she'd be able to get back to me…unless.

I pinched a nearby woman in the butt and whatever she holding dropped to the ground and was trampled. She screamed out and it sounded remarkably clear and healthy. Almost everyone nearby stopped whatever they were doing and turned towards the scream (except those in the current of course, but they did slow down). The silence was deafening.

"_Look out! He's gotta knife!_" I screeched in as feminine a fashion as I could ever muster. Then I silently slipped into the current (where they had slowed to a near crawl) and then proceeded to jump up and down growling and roaring to the top of my lungs in the middle of the street. The silence was broken and everyone began to run in the exact opposite direction of whatever they were facing at that moment. Well not exactly, a huge clearing had been made around me. I stopped jumping and growling and calmly cleaned the dust off my clothes that I'd kicked up in my dance of insanity. I looked around at the chaos, watching people slam into or run over each other and calmly waited.

Soon enough I felt a hand grab me by the shoulder and swing me around. There was Celes, her face as red as a cherry and her eyes wide with incredulous rage.

"Hi honey!" I said cheerfully.

She responded with a left hook to my jaw. It was a love tap really, cause all it did was knock me to the ground. That probably sounds sarcastic, but it's not. To prove the point I felt her hand grip my shirt lift me up off the ground almost as soon as I'd landed. She wasn't looking at me, but darting her head this way and that to see if anyone was watching us. I looked too and it was quite obvious that people we're still to busy running from a phantom of my imagination. I was then forcefully yanked along as Celes ran down the lane and into a dark lil corner of the street. Hugging the walls, she found a small back alley and tossed me in like a burlap sack, looking around again to make sure no one was watching before slipping in with me. When she looked back to me, her face was still red. Her face was creased with anger and it made her look downright monstrous. She grabbed me by the collar once again and shook me so vigorously I thought I could actually here my brain rattle in my skull.

"What the _hell_ were you thinking you fucking…" she trailed off, blind in her fury.

"Uh…fool?" I suggested. She punched me in the gut and I deflated to the ground, on my knees. As I gasped for air, she yanked me up by the hair.

"You do _not_ want to get smart with my right now." She seethed. "They don't know right now that it was you, but they will. They'll have two months of rumors and gossip to piece it all together. What do you think is going to happen when they do, huh? 'He's got a knife?' Locke, what is _wrong_ with you? They're going to bring out security for that next time we come round, and they'll be looking for us. We're never going to be able to come here again…_ever!_"

"That's…my…little…general…" I gasped.

"Huh?" She asked sharply, her eyes wide. "Did you say something? You trying to be smart? I told you that is not the right thing to do right now Locke."

"Not really." I heaved back, "Fact, I'd say that was a damn stupid thing to say, given the situation."

That got me another blow to the gut, and as I crumpled to the ground once more, the small back of my mind not concentrating on regaining breath became aware that Celes was really mad this time. If all that had just been a put on, she probably would have given me another blow to the face, allowing me time to still catch my breath from her previous low blow to the belly. But she hadn't even given me time to regain my wind before striking again, she really wanted to hurt me this time. I felt her grab me by the shoulder and throw me on my back. She quickly knelt down beside me and yank my face up to hers, her fist balled up around my collar.

"Why did you do that? You tell me damn you."

"I…didn't know…wh-_hah_-at else…to…do…" I rasped. In between words, I gasped for air and it made a horribly high pitched wheeze.

"That's _it?_ _That's_ why you caused a fucking _riot!_ You…fool! You…damned fucking…_fool!_"

"It…wasn't…" I paused, getting a little bit more of my breath back and no longer feeling as much pressure to answer immediately. "That wasn't the…only…reason."

"Yeah, I know!" She replied with heated exasperation. "You just can't do anything quietly in a crowd. Always got a make a fucking scene, because just calling out my name is too mundane, and heaven forbid should everyone not look right at you when you do."

"That…would've done….no good…and you know it." I replied and began struggling to get back onto my feet. "And that's not….the reason anyhow."

Celes shoved me back down. "Oh yeah pinhead? Then what was it?"

"I needed to make you forget for awhile." I replied in one breath.

"Make me forget what?" She replied impatiently.

"Exactly." I replied and somehow managed a smile. She faltered a bit, and I took the opportunity to finally get up. The action left me dizzy.

"Look." I replied to the blurry figures in front of me, "I screwed up and your pissed, but we still got shopping to do and your wasting valuable distracting time beating the tar outta me." I ambled past the slightly clearer female figure and peeked out of the alley and into the road.

"Ooh lookee, everyone's running from the meat stand cause the butcher's still holding his knives. Quick, I think a see a break in the crazed mob. Let's go!"

She grabbed me buy my shoulder and once again I was facing a shaking fist. But it held its place, hovering behind Celes' shoulder. Her face contorted into a frustrated expression and finally she let out an exasperated sigh and shoved me out into the street.

"I am so gonna enjoy beating you senseless when we get home."

We began to run towards the aforementioned meat stand and I began to hear the clear whistles of the volunteer (read: amateur) security force of the town. I must admit, I was surprised that the whole nonsense had gone on this long. Still, I could imagine how people can get jumpy. It was not too long ago when all it took was one lil thought to turn a town to toast.

…

I suddenly felt very sorry for what I'd done.

That guilt didn't leave me for the rest of day and after we went home, Celes made good her threat. She wasn't as viscous as I would have expected, I think she knew that I was aware of what I'd done. Instead, she locked me in the room to make me think about what I'd done.

It was supposed to be part of a game, some sexual role play we sometimes indulged in. I'd be pacing about erect with anticipation. That's how it'd play out right? I should've been tortured by the want and wait for her, wondering when she would return and what she would do. What she'd be wearing, how she'd look, smell, move. It was supposed to be a game.

But it wasn't. Instead, I did what I was told and sat down on the bed, wondering about what I'd done.

I knew why I'd done it. On Market Day you did _not_ let go of who you were with…period. If you did, you simply went to one of the entrances to town and waited. There was simply no other way. Unless you had enormous gall and the ability to scream '_Look out! He's got a knife!_' like a woman. She'd just left my hand, would still be nearby and I was impatient.

I heaved a deep sigh and cursed my own arrogance and cowardice.

No! No dammit, that wasn't the reason and I knew that well. It was because of her. When she told me everything she wanted, needed to say, I thought it would make her happy and relieved to let that large burden off her shoulders. It _should_ have dammit, but it didn't. I knew it wouldn't even before she stopped talking, and I think it was because of me. She needed me at that point, but I wasn't there. I just couldn't handle what she said. I was a coward. I am a coward.

She walked the rest of the way to the market as if she wasn't alive and I had to walk beside her witnessing it. It was worse than devastation, it was like an utter lack of hope. She'd poured her soul's pain out to me and had nothing to show for it. Had that ever happened to me? Could I ever understand that kind of sorrow?

I didn't have time to think further. A white light flashed before me and I began to spasm. I felt my back arch and heard muffled pops. The last clear thought in my head was if I'd broken my spine or not.

This time it was remarkably different. Everything was remarkably clear, the feeling of the sheets as my hands gripped them and the sound of my fingers tearing through the fabric. The rather grating sound of my body slid off the bed and the delicate curves that were the veins of the polished floorboards. I felt the small rush of air as it parted at the movement of my body convulsing on the ground. All the information my brain could receive from my body rushed into my head and I was aware of it, yet not aware.

I had conscious thought, a sense of control, in mind if not body. I was now consciously aware of the low rumble in his ears and that the white flashes began to have a pattern. That realization seemed to trigger something and the flashes began to increase until it was an obvious rhythm, but still it increases. It became a strobe so that it seemed to haze over the real world. Soon everything was just a flickering solid white. I yanked my head in all directions desperate to see some semblance of the bedroom. I swung my arms and legs hoping to hit something so I could at least feel the rooms presence. I'd long since lost the feeling of the floor I'd been lying down on, as well as gravity.

All this time, the low rumble increased until it became the horrible demon speech of before, but like the light, it didn't stop there. The pitch increased and I began to realize that it wasn't speaking in tongues, but I still couldn't make out the words, but the voice…it was a voice, a voice…a human voice…a voice…

I knew that voice.

I screamed and it was all gone. I was on my side next to the bed, my legs and arms splayed out in odd directions. My body was on it's stomach, but my neck was twisted as if trying to look up at the ceiling. I moved myself to normal position and my body ached as if I'd been running all day in a desert. I climbed up to bed and crawled to the center, as if it would protect me somehow. I gripped the sheets around me like a frightened child. I was acutely aware how silent everything was. Celes wasn't there.

All through the torture, I cried out in my mind for Celes. I screamed it out in a voice that could only come from the mind insane with terror. She was there before, but not this time and I knew it. I _knew_ it. Can you understand that, the stone cold realization that the only thing that protected you before was gone, not there, impossible to reach or save you from the nightmare? I was at the mercy of something that hated me and I didn't even have the miracle of being driven mentally unaware of the torment. She wasn't there, but she would be! I'd feel her grip my hand, yank me away, save me. She'd protect me. But the horrible, fatal understanding that she wasn't there, she'd never be there, it slowly crept up like black, sludgy claws, smothering my face. Then I'd screamed.

I looked around at the room. She wasn't there. She had never been there.

I fell onto my side on the bed and wept.


	11. Falling

__

The first rule of shopping on Market Day is do not_ stop moving. Celes held this rule up above all others. There was no patience in this woman when it came to shopping. But, there would be very rare times when I'd be buying venison or some such thing and turn to find Celes staring at something beside price tags and products. Every time, she was watching a child with its parents, crying with impatience, eagerly asking for this or that, or just standing by silently next to mother and father holding one of their loving hands so as not to get lost. But if it was a baby being held close in a mother's arms, she would turn away quickly and bow her head down and I'd see her hands press against her stomach. I think that was why I stopped going with her on Market Day._

Life went on.

Those words have many meanings or so I've been told, but I don't know any but one: that everything calms down or becomes boring or life just went by in a haze for a period of time with no details to describe and no new revelations to ponder over. Okay…maybe one.

The seizures didn't stop, but how I reacted to them did. It was like a maturity of sorts. The animal fear was replaced with human dread. The knowing and the not knowing, a mix of the worst kinds of fear. The attacks themselves became less and less painful as I began to get used to them, but the dread was something that only got worse. It was disgustingly ironic that I would feel a quick sense of gratitude as my terrible dread was dissipated in a bright white flash and for a few minutes, I was spared the suffering and given honest physical pain as reward for my diligence. The fact that the attacks were coming on quicker and longer I thought should have made the dread easier to deal with. It didn't.

But that wasn't all, my little brothers Your fine narrator was also being forced the repercussions of his mental illness. My marriage suffered…or prospered. I found it really hard to tell.

As my life kept on keeping on, I began to notice a certain pattern to my relationship. My problem began to create a strain on our marriage. It was destroying me and I could see how I was dragging her down with me but every time it seemed that we were reaching that horrible brink, I would see the flash and she'd be there it and would save us. I don't know how, but it would. Something would happened, the strain would be ignored and we'd remember that we loved each other. But it wouldn't last. It never lasted. I had now long been aware of the pattern, so it was pretty safe to assume she'd been aware of it for much longer. How long would it be before she would tire of it?

I felt like I'd been stricken with a disease and worse yet, I'd spread it to Celes. It felt so much like a disease, a self-destruction that was eating from deep within, so slow at first that it could've meant anything. A spat here or there that should've meant nothing, but the bad feelings lingered just a little bit longer each time. And there were other symptoms too.

Our sex life changed. That usually didn't mean anything, it shouldn't have meant anything. We were always experimenting, having fun and expanding our experiences. It was always a new adventure when we were intimate. Now we began to experiment further and at an incredible rate. No longer were we trying things out slowly, carefully, almost cautiously. No, now we tried all the ideas we could think of in a sexual rush that could only fueled by a desperation to run from the horrible place we'd found our relationship in. We ran blindly into those new worlds and we didn't stop to think about where we were going. Those kinds of games that were once played because they were erotic in their dangerous nature were now an outlet for our frustration. Games of pain and humiliation became more prevalent and it didn't seem to be about being satisfied on a sexual level anymore. Things would be said that would be more than just dirty sex talk or role play in part of the games and slowly it became more an more obvious that the dark feelings we were infected with were being exposed. I wanted to stop playing, I wanted to stop everything. I wanted to start over. I wanted to just make love like blissfully ignorant and innocent couples, when we could hold each other close and feel our love in such a simple embrace. I wanted us to remember we loved each other and forget everything else.

That only happened once.

There I was, standing in front of the bed wearing nothing but the chains attached to my wrists and tied to the bedposts. I was held there, arms outstretched, hands becoming numb from the ice-cold chains and staring at the bathroom door. The light that leaked from below it shifted as I stared. I watched at the movements it suggested, wondering what Celes was doing. My mind was on the moment and only somewhere in the vague recesses of my mind was I worrying about what was at that time, only a vague shadow of something unpleasant. The closest I got back then to being aware of our change was the fact that ol Charlie didn't seemed to be as attentive as he used to, not even for Celes. That was extremely rare, but considering it had _never_ happened before, it was definitely something to worry over. I looked down.

Charlie seemed as ready as I was tonight at any rate.

I heard the door open and looked up.

Let's stop at this moment and step away from the mind a moment in order to do a little exposition okay? Besides, I love freezing that moment and reminiscing about the look I had on my face right then. Now it would be my guess to venture that we, me and Celes, would be the only people who ever live our lives the way we do. But then I forget the world we lived in, and the world she had lived in. Vector, the peak of technology and maybe a few other things. It is my assumption that perhaps she did a little exploring when she was younger, perhaps going to certain areas of the city that catered to unique people, who knew what the back alleys held in that metal monster of a community after all. No doubt she was well aware that she wasn't supposed to be around areas like that, but what's the point of being young if you always do what your told? Perhaps she was too young to understand what she may have witnessed, perhaps not. But the memory may have stayed in the recesses of the mind, waiting till she was willing to let them out when her body and mind were ready. Or perhaps this all just some poor shmoe's idiotic fantasy to explain why his wife was a complete sexual nutcase. But you couldn't deny that there was a style to Celes' ideas that seemed rather…industrial. She loved chains for one…and black.

Which is exactly what Celes was wearing when I looked up towards the bathroom door. There's really no other way for me to describe it. She wore black. No, she _was_ black, from the top of the neck down. She was naked, her shape perfectly silhouetted by the bathroom lights, but her luminescent skin was now a pitch black. But it wasn't skin, it was liquid. It mirrored everything in the room off of it, like a clear still spring, the reflections distorting around Celes' every curve. My reaction was immediate.

It scared the hell outta me! My mind was filled with confusion and apprehension. Never seeing anything like that, I was almost scared. What the hell had happened to her? My mind raced with desperate explanations for this bizarre image I beheld. Magic? Had Celes still the power of magic? But magic was gone, I'd seen it. The mental contradictions too much for me to bear I moved on. A chemical reaction? Had she taken something that was changing her? I'd always been rather curious what potions and tonic she held in her bathroom cabinet, but I never dared open it to find out. But why now? I didn't know so I moved on. Maybe this wasn't Celes. How could it be? It had a different skin. But the face, so lifelike. It was her face, but maybe it hadn't finished changing? The idea that it wasn't Celes scared me something fierce and my mind raced some more. I was almost in a panic. What stood before me I could not comprehend or understand and I was far from aroused.

Then she moved.

Everything was swept outta my head instantly and understanding rushed through my body, if not my head. All she did was take one step forward, but that one motion had the most intense effect on me I could remember having in a long time. The light swirled around her liquid skin in a graceful dance, exploring all the smooth curves. I was aware then of her body, of it's smoothness, it's grace, it's impossible beauty of movement and form. The liquid her skin had become seemed to purify all that I loved about her body. My knees nearly buckled and I inhaled a long, shuddering breath. I was fully aroused and far from caring about comprehending or understanding jack scratch.

She stopped after that one step and was still again, her face beaming with joyous satisfaction. But there was an intense feral nature to it as well that made her all the more exotic.

"You like?" Even her voice was sensual perfection. There was something almost eerily perfect about the whole situation. It was so focused. There was no spiritual meaning, no emotions to influence this powerfully physical desire I was feeling. I didn't want to let Celes know I loved her. I wanted to get laid and there didn't seem to be anything wrong with that.

I couldn't answer her, still fully encased in my shock. She began to walk towards me again, now even slower. I continued to stare at her and with each agonizing step my desire became more intense. I knew it would overwhelm me long before she actually reached the foot of the bed. Then, of all the things to do, she slowly got down on her knees and began to crawl towards me on all fours. Her back swayed back and forth and her eyes looked up at me, shining with a ferocious intensity. I slipped further and faster into desperation, in a free fall of growing sexual aggression.

Celes crawled before me and already I was leaning against my chains. If only I could have closed my eyes. But she held my eyes now with her body. And it wouldn't have gotten rid of the noise she made as she moved anyway. A sound unlike anything I'd heard before. It was her new skin stretching and contracting as she moved. It sounded somewhat like a zipper, but slower…much slower.

I looked down at her and she crawled in front of me, then slowly turned and rubbed her side against my legs like a cat asking to be petted. I'd felt her skin finally and it was something indescribable. It was so smooth and _warm_. I felt an all to familiar feeling go through my body and I was acutely aware that I was shuddering. What had first become a battle to simply stand there and stay still now became a battle to withhold myself for as long as possible. At this rate, it wasn't going to be very long at all.

She rotated around my leg to my back so that I couldn't see her anymore. But I could sure as hell still _feel _her and that was now more than enough. I was still breathing evenly, but it was in large, shuddering breaths.

No, I wasn't going to last very long.

Suddenly I felt her leave me and while I was rather grateful for the lack of pressure it was causing, not so far in the back of my head I was also felt a deep loss. My body didn't care what my mind wanted. But I could still hear her, still hear that strange and erotic stretching that was her body movements. And now that she was so close, I could hear her breathing, alive with erotic anticipation. That made me shudder again.

I wasn't going to last much longer.

A quick hot breath hit my lower back and I stiffened up while my head shot up as I gasped. Then I felt a tingling feeling around my waist and looked back down at myself. I could see Celes' liquid black arms come around from behind me at my waist. They didn't touch my skin, but her hands were stretched out with each index finger just barely touching my skin, gliding around like skaters on an ice pond. Suddenly I was aware that Cele's hands were gloved in what appeared to be the exact same material as her skin. The thought was quickly shoved aside as her fingers glided to my stomach and began to rise up towards my chest, with more digits extending and touching me ever so lightly as the hands ascended. All the while I felt her hot breath crawl up my back and I could feel the heat radiating from her body, so close to me. So close.

Not much longer.

I was now audibly panting and intensely gasping as each new finger touched my bare skin. I _knew _she was slowly standing up, holding her body practically against mine. I could hear her, feel her, hell I could almost see her as her body rose, her intense expression and those deep, passionate, _hungry_ eyes. It was so easy to see as my eyes clenched shut and bit my lower lip, desperately fighting back myself. I could feel my body beginning to reach that inevitable rush. No turning back. I could feel her so close to me, less than an inch. I couldn't take it! She was so close. I was so close.

No turning back. I couldn't hold back any more.

Without warning she wrapped herself around me. It all happened at once. One arm clutched my upper chest and went round my neck while the other ran down the length of me down to my groin. All of her body pressed against my back and every tense muscle was made clear to my senses as her head brushed the back of my hair and her lips reached my ear.

__

"Oh Locke!"

The rush hit me full strength and my eyes and mouth shot open. I made a gasping cry and I saw stars flash before my eyes. It was her voice that had finally broke me. Another time, another situation I might have realized how obviously fake it was in it's melodrama, almost corny even. But right then, right there, in that moment with all my senses being overwhelmed, it became the focal point. Even in my orgasm, I heard Celes panting in my ear with heated want. It fueled me even further along until finally I was spent and my legs gave way. I didn't fall however, but merely dangled from the chains. I was exhausted and felt like I was about to faint.

In a very distant way, I felt a tingling sensation around my wrists and a heavy echo of a metallic clinking rang through my ears like a wind chime. My left arm fell down to the floor with the right still hanging, but it too was soon released and I was lying there on my hands and knees trying to regain my strength. Just as I was about to get up, I felt a heavy weight across my back that almost made me fall face first onto the floor. I turned my head to behind me and found Celes, one leg resting on my back with the knee directly on my neck, as she leaned forward towards me. Right then I was aware that she had something in her hand. It was a collar and leash and before I could protest, it was strapped around my neck and tightened, rather harshly I might add.

"That's a good boy." She said as she towered over my head, "You did very good, but now we're going to play a little game. If you do a good job again, then I think I'll reward you. Now _heel!_." She yanked on the leash and my head was violently snapped up. Quickly I crawled up next to her leg. She began to walk towards the bedroom door and I followed closely.

It was an odd game of hide and seek that kept me on my toes…and my hands and knees for that matter. Going down the stairs was a particularly painful trail as I was not allowed to use my feet even then. Apparently she'd hidden a good deal of her own little fancies and devices she kept in that center drawer all round the house and I was now going to have to find them all. It was going to take a bit of time but that was the point. Quite simply, Celes was letting me get my second wind before she'd 'reward' me again. I was given no clues to go on aside from a more disciplined version of warmer/colder. I was cuffed when if I got colder and petted when I got warmer. Personally I think I got cuffed a lot more than I got petted, but when I'd finally discovered all the items, Celes seemed to be pleased.

"My my," she said with mock satisfaction and just slight genuine surprise, "you were much quicker than I expected. I'm very proud of you. Now would you like your reward?"

Was she kidding? I barked happily for her. During the game I decided to get into the act went through the whole gammut of dog-like behavior short of marking my territory. The panting, tongue waggin, and curious sniffing of the floor for whatever I was looking for. It wasn't nearly as demeaning as I'd thought it'd be, in fact it was kinda fun. I figured that it would please her at any rate and I was right. I could only imagine how she'd thank me for that little performance.

She led me to the stairs and it was far more comfortable going up than it was going down. She went first this time, allowing the me the pleasure of watching her ascend the stairs as I followed behind. I was suddenly aware about how horny I was still feeling and after having all that time to recover, I was more than ready once again.

We entered the bedroom and she led me to the bed, still keeping me behind her. She was a smart girl alright. My desire was increasing with each stride and she damn well knew it. I could see it in her sly smile. She led me to the bed and gave a short tug on the chain.

"Up boy!" she commanded curtly.

I jumped onto the bed, turned to face her and sat down on my haunches awaiting her next command obediently. She smiled with satisfaction.

"You're a very quick learner. I'm very proud of you. Now lie down boy."

Slowly I got on my back and brought my limbs to rest outstretched on the bed. Somehow I knew that part of the play was over. She didn't say anything at any rate, but instead climbed onto the bed and climbed over me, standing on her knees, directly over my stomach. She held the leash tight for a moment and her face held an evil smile, but then tossed the leash away and her face softened. She leaned forward and brought her hands to rest on my shoulders, her face hovering above mine. Her hair surrounded me like a silk curtains.

"I love you my pet." She whispered and I knew that was not part of the game. The game was over.

All the things I'd been aware of before flooded back to me. The beauty of her body, her new liquid skin, her smell, her breath…all of it. It made my body shudder and this time she felt it. She beamed back at me and let her body rest on top of mine. It was a slow and the sensation her skin had on me lasted all the longer. I spent an eternity making short, almost silent gasps for air. I couldn't even hear her breath over the ringing in my ears, but as she let her whole weight down on my finally, I looked into her face could see she was as anxious as I was, breathing long and hard almost to the point of panting. I looked at her feeling lightheaded and in a daze.

"Your so beautiful." I whispered. She smiled and then slid herself into me and I heard her let out a soft and low moan. I thrust myself further into her and before she could gasp I kissed her deeply. A sudden bright flash of white light blinded me and I heard a distant and deep rumbling.

No!

But it was too late. I'd never been able to stop it, and I couldn't now. But after that first flash, I could still see Celes. She was still kissing me passionately, though I could no longer feel it, but the vision of her was beginning to blur. My arms suddenly wrapped around her and I kissed her as deeply as I could. Then the second flash came and she was gone to me. Quickly now the flashes came to me and it seemed that only seconds passed now before I was surrounded by the light, but the low rumbling that I was so familiar with did not grow as it usually did. The strobe of the lights began to quicken so that the world I was in seemed to grey and darken. It grew darker until it seemed that I was almost surrounded by black. But there were certain areas that were not as black. The areas became smaller and more defined until they became definite shapes, but they were abstract and didn't mean anything to me. But the began to move, to animate and fly around this dark world. The danced about and flew around me as if taunting me until they began to dance among themselves. Then I noticed a pattern to there motions. They were the shapes of shadows. They were the shadows of an object…no…a face. A face stood before me and then I saw the body attached to it. It was a man, old and thin, and shabbily dressed in a torn white work shirt and weathered overall whose ends were frayed badly. His face was cut deep with an age beyond his years and his expression was grim and cold. He stared down at me through thin slated eyes. I was suddenly aware how tall he was, at least twice my height. A maddening terror swept through me that took away all my thought and senses. I saw him reach down with a large, bony hand and I screamed. I was surprised to hear not my voice, but that of a child. The hand gripped me by the neck and lifted me up to the man's face. My feet dangled below me, having left the ground this world had created and it seemed that I was being lifted up hundreds of feet before my sight was filled with that of the man's face. He stared at me a long time and my child's voice began to weep. The man's face changed to a horrible and terrifyingly angry expression and suddenly he opened his mouth. I thought he was going to eat me.

"What're you crying fer? Huh? You aint crying, you hear me? There aint nothing to cry about! Nothing happened! _Do you understand me?_" He was yelling at me and as much as I screamed at the top of my lungs, it would not drown out his voice. It was the voice that I'd been hearing all along, now made clear.

His arm lifted me up above his head, holding me thousands of feet into empty space. My eyes shot wide as I looked down at that arm that held me. It was drenched in blood and I could suddenly feel it on my chest and neck where he was holding me. I looked at his other arm and there was blood there that covered all of the arm. In the hand was a long butcher's knife and blood dripped from it's tip. He dropped me down to the ground and began to walk forward, dragging me behind him so that I could not see where he was going.

"You don't listen too well do ya boy?" he continued muttering, "Never did ya sorry lil cuss. Well, now that she aint here to tit ya anymore, bout time ya learned yous gotta pay yer way in this world. Hell, I bet even someone as dumb as you knows that. Prolly was as weary as her as I was weren't ya? Yeah, lookit you? Did you get hard offa dat? Ya fuckin pervert! Yous sick boy and I'm gonna hafta learn ya."

I didn't understand what he was saying. I couldn't comprehend his words. I was like a child again and all I felt or understood was the mindless terror. He stopped and I was suddenly yanked out again and his arm lifted me out in front of him. I was dangling now over a bottomless pit that glowed red at the bottom. I could see the movements of something at the center of the red glow, but I couldn't see what it was. But I knew it wasn't human. I looked up at the man and began to cry.

"No…please. I'm sorry, I'll be good, pleasepleasepleaseplease…" I was screaming now in that child's voice. The face became angry again suddenly I was yanked up into the air again. With a terrifying swiftness, all hope left me and I instantly knew that he was about to throw me into the pit.

__

"Daddy don't!"

With a loud grunt, he threw me down into the pit as hard as he could, and I was in free fall as the wind screamed around me. The mindless terror resurfaced as I feel and the red glow grew larger. The movements became clearer and I could see what ever was down there waiting for me, reaching for me. The glow now surrounded me and amidst the screams of the wind and my own voice, I could hear the deep rumbling of the demon speech. It became louder as the thing I was rushing towards began to take shape. It drowned out all the screams and became clear to me. A monster created from pure fear, made of teeth and eyes and an immense mouth from which emanated a long and thrashing tentacle-like tongue. It was waiting for me and that demon sound began to have a rhythm. It was laughing at me and the laughing tore at me, growing louder till it seemed to be inside my head. I couldn't stop it and I was about to fall right into it's jaws. Then it roared and lunged up to capture me in it's jaws.

I closed my eyes and heard myself scream, but it was an odd scream. It was very odd. I was suddenly aware that it sounded like Celes. I opened my eyes just in time to see her collapse onto my chest panting heavily. There she stayed for a while, regaining her breath and some of her strength before falling off of me. Then of all things, she began to laugh. I couldn't imagine what was so funny. I couldn't imagine much of anything in fact, my mind had gone into a kind of psychosomatic shock. All my senses were working peachy-keen and it was all registering, but none of it had any meaning. I was staring at the far wall of our room unable to create any comprehensive thought or emotion. I was dead alive.

"Wow Locke." She gushed, oblivious to my condition, "I mean…wow! That was incredible! I don't know what got into you, but I'll play this game _every_ night if that's what it takes. Whew! I think I got more reward of this than you baby. I mean…honey?"

Something finally flickered in my head, a faint feeling of nausia. It wasn't anything more than a slight body response to a rather traumatic experience, but it was a feeling. It was followed by a sudden wave of disgust before I was even aware of what I was feeling disgusted towards. Then the realization hit about what had just occurred. Everything hit in fact. It was like the floodgates to my tortured psyche were released. It hit me hard and fast and drove me to full consciousness.

I shot out of bed and ran to the bathroom and promptly threw up in the toilet. My ears were ringing, but I could still hear faintly Celes calling from the other room. I looked up and saw that she was out of bed and running towards me. I lunged towards the door and my body slammed it shut violently. My arm lunged out to the doorknob and my hand fumbled for the lock in desperation. I found it and it clicked just as I heard Celes knock on the door.

"Locke, what's wrong? Locke? Locke!"

I turned around resting my back against the door and sat there regaining my breath. As I heard her voice, only moments before laughing in her beautiful afterglow now worried confused and hinting of desperation, I was filled with guilt. She was basking in a beautiful afterglow and I'd callously stole that from her. I had to make it up to her somehow. She was scared now and I couldn't have that.

"Honey, I'm not feeling too good right now." I said amiably. I felt insane. "I think I'm going to black out in a moment. I'm very sure of it in fact. When I wake up, I'll tell you everything, I promise. But you got to promise me something too okay?" I anxiously awaited her response and my head began to feel very light and large, like a balloon.

"Okay baby." her reply was calmer, but their was a heightened fear in her tone, "What is it?"

"You gotta promise to tell me what the hell you did to look like that. I was ready to pop like a cork before you were halfway cross the room." I let out a small chuckle for her to hear, hoping to make her feel a little better, but it was dearly bought. Almost immediately, I felt the rush of lightheadedness hit my brain and then everything went black.


	12. Death

Locke

_I'm going to tell you about my father now. I knew him, I knew him very well. Unlike most of my kind, drifters, I was well aware of my past. We lived on what everyone had called 'the last farm'. Beyond our land was the wild. It was a hard and rocky area that my dad never successfully tilled. Before I ran away, when I was still scared of him, I blamed the way he was cause of the land. It would make anyone short tempered, I'm sure of that much. But I never saw him work on it nearly as much as I saw him telling me to. And heaven help me if he ever caught me doing something wrong, even if I would never find out what wrong it was that I'd done. He didn't drink, I think more because he couldn't afford to than anything else, and that kind of exposed him. There were no excuses, he was just a mean and ugly man. Eventually I ran away when I was about six or seven. It was almost an unconscious act, fueled the basic instinct to survive because I most assuredly would die there if I didn't leave. After that, I was free from him, and now I was free to hate him. That hate fueled most of my young life. In the end, it would be my father who saved me from becoming what he was._

I woke up in the bathroom groggy, weak, and scared. How long had I been out? Didn't matter, it was a minute if it was a year. I was still leaning against the bathroom door and she was still on the other side. I couldn't hear any sign of her presence, but that mattered squat. I knew.

I knew I was going to have to get up, clean myself off, unlock the door, open it and see her standing before me. I'd have to open my mouth and sounds would have to come out that would be just in the proper order and tone to get that horribly dismayed and worried look to leave her face. It seemed a very daunting task in my condition.

Hah! As if my condition made a difference.

I sat there awake for a long time, waiting for the moment to pass. When it did not, I got up, and went to the sink to wash my mouth and chin of the remnants of regurgitation. It turned on the faucet.

"Locke!" Celes cried out with surprise. It sounded like she had just woken up from a bad dream.

The sound of rushing water gave me away. I ignored her and continued to wash myself. What could I say? After I was finished I turned to the door and stared at it.

"Locke? Locke, are you okay?" She was pretending to sound calm, but she wasn't doing a good job of it. Her voice wavered and I could almost hear the screaming panic that was being suppressed. "Locke, say something."

I needed to say something fast.

"Locke?" I was suddenly aware her voice sounded hoarse. Had she been screaming already?

I opened my mouth.

"Locke please. Speak to me." Her voice became a whisper-like wheez. No, she wasn't going to panic, she was going to cry.

My mouth stood open. I didn't say anything.

"Locke why…why won't you talk to me?" She was breaking down. I was going to lose her.

I grabbed the knob and opened the door before I was even aware of what I was doing. There she was, but for that first instant I wasn't aware of her. I kinda just saw through her. Then there she was. She still looked like she did before I conked out, but I wouldn't notice that till later. All I saw then was her face, and then I remembered what I needed to tell her and why. That made things a whole lot easier cause now I knew what to do. I walked up to her and held her tight and she held me tighter.

I didn't want to let go, but I knew I had to. I gently pulled her away and looked into her eyes.

"I made a promise to you."

She nodded her head. We walked hand in hand to the bed and sat down next to each other. I didn't know how to start, so I just started.

"I think I know now what is happening to me."

"How?" She inquired. It startled me, I didn't expect her to say anything while I tried to do this. I don't know why.

"I had another episode…"

"When?"

"Huh?" She sounded really intense and I didn't know why. What did it matter?

"When did it happen?"

"Uh…it happened…" I found myself having difficulty switching gears back to that, still puzzled as I was as to why she cared. I had it when we… The realization hit me and I hoped it didn't show.

"Locke, when did it happen? Tell me."

"It happened…" I understood why it mattered to her. But what would I say, should I say, could I say? Our most intimate of moments and I was in another world and she didn't know. What did it mean to her?

"Locke!"

"After we…I ran to the bathroom because it was happening to me and I knew. I tried to fight it and I thought I was winning. I was talking to you, but I couldn't really hear you then it took over." I said it all almost in one breath. I was actually surprised that I was able to think it all up right there on the spot.

"Oh…" Celes looked down, with a thoughtful look on her face. I was gripped in fear and anticipation. Please let her believe me. "Okay." She said no more and that just unnerved me more.

"This time, it was different. I think I saw a vision." I said quickly. I didn't want to give her time to think anymore about that, it wasn't what this was about.

"What happened?" She sounded like she didn't know what else to say.

I took a deep breath and told her what happened. As I spoke, I felt the slow fear boiling up, very slow and quiet. It was like the memory of the fear I'd felt when the attack hit. Unconsciously I grabbed Celes' hand and held it and that slowed it down. When I was done, the fear was gone. I looked down at my feet, having no idea now what to do.

"Who was he?"

I looked up at Celes, surprised and curious. "Didn't I say?"

"No." she replied and her expression seemed to mirror my feelings. "In fact, I thought it was odd. You talked like you knew him, but you never mentioned a name."

"I didn't know his name." I paused, considering that. "I'd always just called him dad." I didn't really think much of what I'd said, so distracted as I was by the fact that I didn't know my own father's name, and I think it was a long time before I was aware of the long silence. When I did, I looked to Celes. She looked back, her eyes wide with disbelief or shock, I really couldn't tell.

"He…was your father."

"Yeah." I replied nonchalantly, but inside my stomach was turning. There was one more thing I needed to do. "I guess I never talked about him huh? Not much reason to, he was an ugly sonnafabitch."

"No." Celes replied quietly. "No you haven't…"

"Celes…" I stalled there for a moment, suddenly aware for the first time truly what I was about to do. This was something very big to me and she was never a part of it until now. I was about to make her a part of it. "Celes, I…" I took a deep breath. This was so big. I didn't know where to begin, or rather I didn't know where the beginning was. I closed my eyes.

"I was fifteen, and after wandering the wilds as a bandit my travels eventually brought me back to the northlands and to Kohilingen. That didn't mean anything to me, it wasn't a homecoming. I'd never been to the town in my entire life and it was just another place to steal peoples' money. It was at the pub, overhearing conversation between two old men I'd never known that I found out I used to live around there. I knew because they mentioned my father's farm. He was still alive and more than that, had made a moderate success of the place. That is to say, he could live off of it…barely. I left the pub before hearing anymore from them and left town in search of the farm. In all my year, the only time I'd ever been off the farm was the day I ran away and that was almost a decade ago, yet I knew exactly how to get there."

I looked at Celes and she had this strange smile, she obviously had the wrong idea about what was going to happen. I turned my head. I didn't want to see her expression when I was finished. "I found it and it looked completely different. It was smaller for one, but also it was greener. The rocks had all but disappeared and the fields were actually planted with sprouts of vegetation in rows everywhere. The house was the same however. Being held up seemingly on my dad's will alone. But he wasn't alone anymore. I heard dogs barking and soon enough, saw them charge at me, barking wildly. I brought out my dagger and braced myself, but they were too quick. They knocked me to the ground and began to lick my face. I got them off me and got up, but they still jumped up and down, tails wagging and tongues flapping." Celes gave a little giggle and my stomach twisted something awful. "I stared down at them for a long while and noticed my knife was still in my hands." Celes made a sound, like a gasp that had been slowed down. Just a really slow intake of air. I didn't dare to look at her.

"I killed the first one quickly so that it only let out a small yelp before it was gone. When I turned around to the other, it was just sitting there wagging its tail. I hesitated for a moment before killing it. I did it so quickly, it didn't even have time to make a sound. As it fell to the ground, I heard a voice and looked up to see my father running towards me. I got up and took out a small throwing knife I had in my boot and threw it at him. It hit his shoulders and he fell on his back with a cry. He was maybe twenty yards away as I ran towards him. He had already taken out the knife from his shoulder and was trying to crawl away from me on his back by the time I was on top of him. I pushed away his good arm and grabbed what little hair he had left and yanked it back so that his neck would be fully exposed. I brought my dagger across his neck and slit his throat. I got up and walked away. I went to a stream a few miles away, washed myself and my clothes and then went back to town. I left the next day and didn't come back till a year and a half later."

I said no more and stared down at the floor. I didn't look to Celes, but now I didn't care. There was a cold detachment that I began feeling as I told her my story. Now that it was done, I just didn't care about anything.

"Did…did you…feel anything?" Celes sounded odd, but I couldn't think of why. I didn't try to.

"No."

"But…why?" She was crying. I didn't care.

"He did something."

"What?"

"I don't know."

"Locke…why? Why didn't you feel anything?"

That broke the spell. I looked at her and she stared at me with tears in her eyes. But they were determined eyes. She wanted to know. She knew. She understood. She asked the question that deep down I'd been wanting to ask myself ever since then, but was too afraid to. Now I had to answer it, for her. Maybe something inside me knew it'd be easier that way. It still wasn't easy though, and there was a long pause before I spoke.

"I hated him. I mean I really hated him, beyond anything you could imagine. I could feel it always, just under the surface and it was powerful. It was so strong, it could take my mind away from me with such ease, yet it always stayed there, under the surface. I held it back, I don't know how really, but only barely. I vented it out in other ways, desperate to keep it down. I became one of those violent youths that hang out in back alleys, waiting for a victim to show my anger. Then I go to that inn and hear about my dad and I could feel it coming, that old hatred racing toward my mind. Then it just disappears.

I think…I think it was something like shock. My mind didn't couldn't stop the hatred, so it just shut down. It just…I just didn't care. I couldn't care. If I felt, then all I would feel would be that mind taking hate. So I didn't feel anything.

My mind began to work like a machine, as a kind of cold calculation of events ran through my head. They were cold approximation of future events. Facts with no emotion attached. My mind would start up again and the hate would drive me insane. I would begin to kill and torture anything I could grasp right then and there till I was stopped, restrained and killed. There was no other path for me unless I got rid of that hatred before my mind started again. There was only one way to satisfy it."

I stopped and waited. I didn't think it was a very good explanation and I felt embarrassed and disappointed that something this important hadn't been handled better by me. Yet the feelings seemed distant…unimportant. Something else occurred which I needed to focus on. I knew that somehow, but I couldn't say what it was.

"But, you killed…you…"

Celes' voice shocked me to a state of utter bewilderment. The voice was hers, but I'd never heard it before. It was quiet and hushed and pitched in an odd way. She sounded somehow very young, like a child. She was scared of me. I looked up at her and saw her face, her body, her posture…

No, she was utterly terrified of me.

A kind of slow, sludge like feeling of despair came over me. It was slow and moved with the same speed as the realization. It was and utter loss of hope, reaching a point of no return on a trip to hell. Something from her had been taken from me then that I would never, ever get back. She'd remember tonight, remember the fear, for the rest of her life and nothing I could do would ever change that.

"I…please…I wasn't in control anymore…" I felt my eyes burn with tears and my throat felt gummy and hard. "I just rushed through before it was too late. I didn't want to lose myself to that thing inside me. I had to, I had to. All because of that hatred."

I sobbed openly now. I couldn't think of anything to say anymore. I couldn't think. All I could do then was feel and it was only sorrow. It had happened. What I had feared the most had finally happened.

I had lost Celes.


	13. Rebirth

__

Oh I'm sure it wasn't as bad as all that…or maybe it was… I don't know, it was a long time ago after all. It's just that…well, it was just that in those bad times, that was the worst. I didn't lose her of course, but then maybe I had. Maybe I didn't lose her totally, but just that… Oh hell, now I feel all awkward an shit! Well whatever, something changed that day between us and whatever it was, it was permanent. It was a switch in the paths in my life and where the other one lead…who knows. It may have been better, or it just might as well have had it's own terrors to show me.

It was black where I was. I wasn't scared, but I thought I should be. I felt dead inside. I felt black.

A slow decay. That's what it is, a faint numbness of feeling. I see a bright light and it blinds me and I turn my eyes away, then I see the door leading outside to a gray green world of short grass and large rock outcroppings. I walk towards the door and hear sounds to my right. Ugly mumbling sounds. I turn my head and see old decrepit men, mumbling to each other and slobbering. One of them mentions my father. I feel ugly. I turn back to the door. I'm floating to it, not walking. Everything's so slow. I'm not floating, I'm falling. The doors moves away and I see the floorboards rushing towards me. I feel sorrow.

Too late now.

I hit the floorboards but don't feel the impact. There's a bright light shining through the cracks under them. They break apart and fall out from under me and I'm blinded again, but the light's everywhere. I can't turn away from it. I feel terror. I feel myself falling and I feel less light where I'm falling. In fact, there's no light. There's a place that doesn't blind me and I'm falling towards it. It grows until I fall in and it engulfs me.

It's black. I feel everything. I scream out in terror, anger, joy, pain and it fades. I feel it fade, because no noise comes from my lips. I have no lips to scream, no eyes to see, no ears to hear, no tongue to taste, no skin to touch. I only have those feelings…and they're fading in my scream. They're almost gone and I know that if they go this time, they will never come back again. I don't want them to come back. In fact, they're almost gone. Not much longer…

I feel red all around me. I feel it inside me and the feelings, I'm aware of them again. I realize I want them. I can't understand the red with out them. But they're fading. They're almost gone and I don't know how to get them back. I want them. I want them so much. I want to feel. The red…

I hear my scream grow again. I feel the red turn to warmth. I feel the warmth inside and it glows brighter. It become orange, then yellow, then white. I feel terror anger, joy and pain. They fade, but they're still there, they're just not as strong as they can be. I feel desire. The strongest desire for the warmth. I want the warmth and I have it inside me. It's all I feel.

What is it? Is it love?

…

With a rush of something that would be the equivalent of a flash of light, I was aware of myself again. I was being held by Celes.

"What did you say?" She asked me with a voice that seemed so contented. It was soft and divine.

"I said it's so warm." I felt kind of dizzy…hazy. I had know idea what I had said, but apparently I did. I was too bewildered to be confused.

She hummed her approval and continued to hold me.

"I love you." Did I say that…or her?

"I know." The reply was from a different person, but I still couldn't tell.

"Don't be afraid." Who was saying these things? Why couldn't I tell?

"I'm afraid."

"There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Why?"

"Because I love you. Don't you understand? That's all that matters."

"You hate me."

"I forgive you. I'll always forgive you."

"Why?"

"Because…"

I had looked at her the whole time and all I saw was her eyes. Then suddenly I was aware of her as if for the first time. She held me as a mother holding a child. I felt divinity from her, pure and eternal love and understanding. All was forgiven as she held me. It didn't matter to her, she only wanted to me to feel her warmth. Her warmth overwhelmed me and for the first time in my life, I finally understood.

I held her tight and wept.


	14. Protection

__

Hmm? What? Oh sorry, I was thinking about something… So anyway, yeah I thought I'd lost Celes… What? What was I thinking about? Oh nothing. Nothing at all.

"Locke? Please, I'm so scared."

I was staring at the floor, but I had stopped sobbing. I felt something had happened, but I didn't know what. I had been sad, but something changed. What had just happened?

"Locke, please!" I looked up at her. I didn't understand. She looked at me and the terror was plain on her face.

I shook my head feeling slow. I didn't understand.

"Locke!" She was sobbing now and the tears welled up. She was lost in this horrible world I'd created. I wanted to hold her, I wanted to comfort her so badly. But I couldn't get any closer to her than I already was. If I came any nearer, I'd pass that threshold of fear and drive her away forever. I wanted to hold her so much, but I couldn't and it was tearing me apart.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. I turned my head away. I'd given up. There was nothing for me. Everything I had was gone. I would simply wait till I was nothing.

I felt an arm on my shoulder. It pulled at me gently…no, weakly. I could feel the hand trembling. I turned back to Celes. The terror she exuded just seemed to amplify. She was shaking her head erratically and her mouth spoke words with no sound coming out. At first I didn't understand, but then it hit me.

"No. No. No. No…"

All at once, I understood. She wasn't afraid of me, she was afraid of losing me. She needed me.

I held her. I held her tightly, as tightly as I possibly could and I felt her grip me. Her head rested on my chest and she wept openly.

"Thank you." She whispered.

I remained silent and simply held her. I felt a kind of purity of essence wash over me, as if I'd reached some sort of spiritual awakening. All the emotions I was feeling right then I understood. I could separate each individual sense of being and know it for what it was in it's pure form. I understood myself perfectly and I realized for the first time truly what Celes meant to me. But for the first time in my life, as I felt her hold me with such a desperate intensity, I realized what I meant to her.

I brought my head to rest on hers and stroked her hair softly as she wept.

"Shh… It's okay." I said in a comforting tone. "Everything's going to be all right now."

Her weeping slowed and she wiped away her tears before looking up at me.

"Is it finally over?" The wild fear was sitting at the edge of her voice.

"No." I said calmly and I felt her tighten up. I pushed her away and I knew what it would do, but I had to risk it. I brought my hand under her chin and pushed her head up so that she looked at me, looked straight into my eyes.

"But it's okay. The worst part is done. There's only one thing left to do and you don't have to worry about it. You don't have to worry about it ever again."

"What do you mean?" She was so lost and I wasn't sure I could make her understand. But I had to make her feel secure. There was only one thing I could think of and I was suddenly hesitant to do it.

But I had no choice.

I continued to stare into her as I spoke. Now calm and comforting.

"I said I didn't come back till a year and a half later, and while that is true, it's also not. I never went back to that farm ever again and I never felt any desire to. During that year and a half, was the worst days of my life. With that act I was able to finally end that hatred that had been with me for so long. I never felt anything like that again. In its place came the horrible guilt of what I'd done, and the fear of it. Questions haunted me that I didn't know how to answer. How could I have been so cold? Why didn't I try something else? Anything else. What if I did it again? Could I do it again? What was I?

These questions had answers that were inside me, but I didn't know where to look till just now. But they were there. It was the questions with no answers that truly began to destroy me. What had happened to my father? Had he changed? Had he repented? Did he now deserve his fate? What if he had become a good person? Did he regret his past? Did he want to see me again? Say he as sorry? Was there another way? These were the questions that hurt me the most, that ate at my mind and soul. But I would never know the answers. I had destroyed those answers when I had destroyed my father. They would haunt me till I went mad.

A year and a half later, I ended up in Kohilingen. Maybe some deep primordial understanding drove me back home because it knew something I didn't. It really didn't matter, I was in no position to argue. I was on the brink of sanity. I was there, staring into the abyss, already diving forward. I wasn't gonna be able to come back anymore, not by myself. Then…"

I stopped there and I realized I something I'd tried to avoid was now gonna have to be dealt with. There was no time to stop, so I simply drove ahead. To Celes, I'm sure it was a just a minute hesitation, but it was much longer for me…hours even.

"I met Rachel. I bumped into her while trying to find shelter from a rain storm that had hit the town. She cried out in surprise and fear and dropped some food she'd been carrying. As soon as I saw it, I leaped to the ground, grabbed it and ran. It's how I had been living. After that day at the farm, I stopped becoming a thug. I avoided people, ran from them, all of them. I ate whatever I found, rummaging trash and other fouler things. I'd become an animal, but I was also becoming a mad animal. I grabbed what food I could in that instant and ran. She ran after me which is something no one had ever done before. In the small part of me that was still sane, I assumed it was because I had stolen her food. She cornered at the back of a house and that animal fear of being trapped was like a final push to destroy my sanity. Then she dropped the rest of the food she'd been carrying in front of me.

From then on she cared for me, much in the same way an child cares for wounded animal it has found in the forest. She gave me food, and clothes, and fashioned a place for me to sleep. But she did more than that. Just by being around her, I recovered my sanity. She brought me back. Reminded me that I was a human.

I had regained my sanity with her, but that meant nothing because the guilt that was it's cause still haunted me. I began to talk to her and that's how it started. I told her what I was feeling, but I made careful to not mention why. I told her my pains but hid their source. I didn't know what else to do, so I poured my soul out to her and merely hoped that somehow she could save me from my pain. She did and I fell in love with her. I fell in love because it made me forget."

I stopped there and waited, staring at the wall, too afraid to turn to Celes.

"Go on…" She said cautiously and I turned to her. The look on her face showed no understanding or connection to what I was feeling. She didn't know why I'd stopped. She didn't know what I was afraid of, wasn't even aware that I _was_ afraid.

Suddenly it hit me that it didn't matter to her and I realized at how childish the fear really was. We were past that. We'd been past it for ages. The understanding came as its own kind of shock. But I continued on.

"But now I'm remembering. Don't you see? That's what this has always been about. That hatred, that maddening thing. What was it doing inside of me? I hated my father for what he did to me, but nothing I remember him doing to me could create _that_ kind of hate. Something happened that I forgot, maybe I even forced myself to forget. It's where the hatred came from.

"But you said the hatred's gone."

"But not the guilt. I killed my father Celes, in the coldest of blood. It killed the hatred, but all that did was bring that guilt. The guilt is just as bad, if not worse because it works slower. It decays and it's only shown it's face in all these years till now, but it's always been there. I need to know Celes. I need to know why I did what I did if I'm to finally rid myself of all these demons I have inside."

I paused this time, but for a good reason. I had to tell her something that she probably would not understand. I didn't even fully understand it, but I had to let her know. I held her very close to me and stared into her eyes. I tried to look into them, through them and to the center of her. I _had_ to let her know how important this was.

"But I need you to be there when it happens. You _have_ to be there, beside me, when I go. I won't be able to come back without you. Not this time."

I saw her eyes widen with a new fear, one she hadn't thought of before.

"B-but, how do you know."

"I know." And I did.


End file.
